And Then There Was Joy.

I am sitting here surrounded by my children (all but one) and trying to think how to mark this day — what would have been Emma’s 4th birthday.  I’ve realized lately that a lot of the anxiety I was dealing with (and that thankfully is leaving now) might have to do with a new stage of grief that is different than where I’ve been before.  I don’t know if I can explain it or not.  It is very different and full of complicated emotions.

To try to put it simply, I am having to accept that I lost a child, while still trying not to worry about losing any of my other children.  It seems that the more children you have, the more you worry.  I am so thankful for my children’s health and really hope that God does not ask us to walk a path of hardship anything like that we did with Emma.  But that also makes it harder to remember Emma and what we went through without pain.

I ran out of time to finish this post, so it is now July 15th (John and my 9th wedding anniversary by the way!) and I can share how I did remember Emma yesterday.  I went to the Farmer’s Market, where a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and gladiolas caught my eye.  I purchased the bouquet and set it up on the desk at the store along with a small sign saying “in memory of Emma Anne.”  Now, not many people came by to see it, but I still enjoyed having it there.  I wanted to take it to the cemetery later that day, but it was too late to do that by the time we had supper.  Perhaps we can make time today.

Anyway, give your kids that are within reach an extra big hug today.

Today has had a lot of highs and lows.  Last night I was pretty low.  For some reason I went into full-blown anxiety again.  It happened after watching a pretty tense and somewhat gory show with John.  I decided I better not watch stuff like that.  But I think there must be something more to it than that.  I’ve realized after thinking through it today, that I am dealing with some extra emotions lately.  First of all, there is just stress with the business.  And secondly, this month marks the 4th birthday of Emma.  I have been thinking of her a lot, and it is harder lately to think of her.  I guess part of me doesn’t really want to acknowledge that those things happened, because if they did, that means they could happen to one of my other children as well.  So, I guess you could add random worrying in with all that mix as well.

So awakening this morning on less sleep than normal (due to the anxiety which kept me awake longer than normal), I went to get Seth out of bed.  That was a high.  It is hard to be depressed when you are met with such a happy grin.

Most of my day was pretty routine.  Actually, it was not the routine I have been used to (which is working at the store).  I got to stay home today, and though the day went fast and I got very little of my list done, I was happy to spend more time with the kids and the housework.  I had twinges of anxiety, but kept busy enough to ignore it.

At Wal-Mart, we had what you could call a low.  My trip had dragged out longer than anticipated and so Seth was starting to fuss because it was past his naptime.  Will was climbing all over the cart, trying to be helpful and mischevious at the same time.  Elise, who WAS trying to be helpful, grabbed a bag to move it and accidentally dropped the whole thing on the floor.  Unfortunately, it happened to be the bag of eggs.  :(  So there I am with eggs all over the floor, a fussing baby, a rambunctious boy, and now a screaming Elise (who feels terrible and just wants me to hold her).  I cleaned up what I could and actually was able to salvage 8 of the dozen eggs we had started with.  I assured Elise we wouldn’t have to buy more, but could make do with what we had.  Eventually we got out of there, leaving some of the mess for someone else to clean up.

Now I have to finish this story, because it actually makes me want to laugh now.  I got home and put the eggs (which were now missing the top of the carton) on top of the other container of eggs already in my refrigerator door.  (Why do I keep my eggs in my refrigerator door?  I’m not sure.  I guess it is because they fit well there, but I am really starting to rethink this strategy.)  Anyway, everything was fine until I went to get Elise a drink for supper.  When I opened the refrigerator door, I pulled too hard, and the case of eggs slipped right off onto the floor.  Now I only have two eggs out of the dozen I started with.

I was able to laugh again later during supper, this time at Will.  He had eaten his hot dog all the way down to the very last bite, when he saw me help myself to a slice of watermelon.  “Uh,” he said.  This is his normal way to ask for anything, although sometimes he’ll say “juice,” which also means “whatever I want right now.”  “Finish your hot dog,” I told him and pointed to the last bite.  “Uh,” he repeated, more frustrated now.  “Will,” I said, “you are not getting watermelon unless you finish your hot dog.”  This went on for some time, Will pushing his plate towards me, I repeating the rule.  Finally, I pulled John out of his reading to see what his son was doing.  “Look how stubborn he is,” I said pointing to Will’s last bite of hot dog.  John smiled and said, “My, look at that face. That’s pretty silly.”  He was referring to Will’s very long expression: 50% stubbornness, 50% sadness, 100% pitiful.  “Will,” he said, “Would you like a piece of watermelon?”  “Ee,” replies Will nodding his head. (We are beginning to wonder if he knows some spanish.)  “Then finish your hot dog please,” says John.  Will pulls his plate back to himself, picks up the piece of hot dog and sticks it in his mouth, without one word of complaint.  Dumbfounded, I hand him a large piece of watermelon and wonder at how very different the relationship between father and son is than the one between mother and son.
The last high point of my day was with Elise.  She has been begging to do something “special” with me.  She usually interprets this as watching a movie or playing the wii.  I am trying to get her to redefine the word.  So tonight we cut out a dress I had bought fabric for awhile back and never got around to making.  She had picked out the fabric, a brown and blue one, covered with running horses.  It will be an ineresting outfit, but definitely all her.  Since John had left to get some more work done, and the sun was going down, I was starting to feel my anxiety return, but spending time with Elise was very therapeutic.  I told her how much I enjoyed spending time with her, and she replied quite nonchalantly, “thank you.”  As we finished she asked me a question that reminded me how much like me she really is:  “Mom, sometimes I cough small two times, and then I cough really big.  Do you think this is a problem?”  I assured her it wasn’t.

Now all I need is someone to tell me:  “No, what you are feeling is normal.  It is not a problem, and doesn’t mean anything terrible is going to happen.”  You know, I think that God just did, in his own way, speaking this time through my children.

Today was the day Will and Seth were scheduled for cardiology appointments in Little Rock.  Unfortunately, due to an untimely fever, the appointments are being rescheduled yet again.  I headed out this morning with the intention of going to the appointments, but called when I got to Nana’s house (where I was dropping off Elise) to confirm the appointments and see what their policy was on bringing a sick child.  Will had been sick with a high fever all night and I knew I didn’t want to pass anything on to any heart patients.  It turned out they were fine with Will coming, they said they might just ask him to wear a mask.  (I’m not sure how that would have worked out.)

I dropped off Elise and headed to Bekah’s to pick up her and Brennan since they were coming with us to help me with the two boys since John couldn’t make it.  While I was there, I got another call from the clinic, this time letting me know that they weren’t sure if the fever would affect Will’s tests.  So they asked me to wait while they double-checked with the cardiology nurse.  She called back a few minutes later and confirmed that yes, fever would throw off the results, so our appointments were cancelled.  I haven’t heard yet when they will be rescheduled.

I was frustrated as we’ve waited so long for these appointments, but if I go all the way there and pay for these expensive tests, I do want them to be the most accurate results possible.  Since we had a free day, I called and made an appointment for Will at the local clinic to see why he has been running a fever the last few days.  We all have colds, and it turned out that Will’s had turned into an ear infection, so he will now be on antibiotics.  I think there has only been once I haven’t taken Will in for a fever and found either an ear infection or strep, so I wasn’t too surprised.

The really good thing that has happened today because of all of this is that I have possibly greatly reduced my outstanding balance at the clinic.  I went to talk to them about it because I wasn’t sure the balance was correct.  It turns out that it most likely was (though I still need to do some checking on that), but they discovered another mistake they had made and decided that to make it right they would just write that part of my bill off.  Thank you so much to the doctor and financial people who had a part in that.  That will help us out a lot.  Plus, as I looked through the detailed printout the financial assistant had given me I realized that some of the charges on my account should probably have been paid by insurance.  So I called insurance and they believe that the automatic processing may have somehow missed these charges, so they are re-processing them for me.  So that is another large chunk out of our bill.  So, I guess I have to say I am glad to be home today instead of in Little Rock, since it meant I am sorting out bills.

We drove from Arizona to Dana Point, CA where the big family reunion was held.  We had a good time exploring beautiful beaches and tide pools, taking walks in the beautiful CA weather, and visiting with relatives we haven’t seen in a long time.

Friday we took the day to visit Knotts Berry Farm.  Will’s favorite ride was the truck ride, where he got to sit and pretend to drive a semi.  He loved it and took it very seriously.  Elise loved the ferris wheel.  For me, I think my favorite part was the Wild West Stunt Show.  It was very well done, and very entertaining.

Saturday, John and I took the kids to the beach.  Seth got his first taste (quite literally) of sand.  He loved playing in it, though.  Will loved filling buckets with water and sand.  Elise played in the water and sand and of course didn’t want to leave.

Saturday afternoon we attended John’s grandparents 70th wedding anniversary.  Then Mark and Emily were kind enough to babysit Will and Elise so that John and I could take Seth and visit friends.

Then we all came home yesterday.  Unforunately, we all came home a bit sick.  I caught some sort of nasty stomach bug that hit me between flights coming home, Seth has had a cough almost all week, Will has a fever, Elise has a bit of a temp, and even John is now feeling sick.  But we had a great trip regardless.  Just pray we’ll start feeling normal soon so we can catch up with stuff here at home.

This is my third attempt at writing a post for the blog.  My first one was entitled “The Joys of Traveling with Children” and I decided it was too much complaining.  :)  The second one got erased on accident, so here is the third attempt.

We left Sunday morning from Tulsa, flying to Phoenix, AZ.  The kids did pretty well on the flight.  Seth had the most problems, but nursing finally got him to sleep.

We then drove to Flagstaff and stayed overnight in a cabin.  Monday we spent at the Grand Canyon and hiked down a bit into it.  Even Elise hiked with us and though it was a hard hike back up, we all made it.  I have to echo my Dad’s advice that it is a LOT harder to come back out than it is to go down into the canyon.  Always keep that in mind.  Elise recovered a lot quicker than I did though.  And of course, she is apparently too young to now be sore.

John took some pictures on his i-phone.  We unfortunately went off without the bag with the camera and video camera.  :(  I’ll get John to put up some of his pictures later.
Yesterday we drove half a day to get to Dana Point, CA, the location of the big family reunion.  It is fun to be surrounded by so many of John’s relatives that we don’t often get to see.  Last reunion was 10 years ago.  John and I were engaged, and there weren’t very many kidsa at the reunion.  Now we are surrounded by children; it is amazing what all can happen in 10 years.

As far as traveling with children, I’ll just say that it has been interesting for John and I sleeping in the same room with all three children, a two-hour time difference, and later than normal bedtimes.  Seth is also getting very unhappy with car rides, which is saying a lot since he is never unhappy.  I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.  :)  They are enjoying the daytime activities and the people though, so we are enjoying our time immensley.

That’s how much Seth weighed this week.  Here’s how he rates on the growth charts:  10th percentile weight, 90th percentile height, 5th percentile head circumference (told you my kids have small heads).  It may still seem small, but it is a pound and a half over two weeks ago, so we are thrilled.  I guess that formula is really working.  I am a little bit sad because I have always wanted to make it to a year of nursing, and that doesn’t look like it is going to happen now, but seeing the obvious difference in his weight gain makes it all worth it.  He still nurses about 3 times a day (4 if I wake him at night, though I’m thinking of stopping that now that he is gaining since he hasn’t acted that hungry then).  And I do have to admit that bottle-feeding is a whole lot easier when Seth is with me at the store.  He will even hold the bottle himself now, so feeding has become a joy instead of an interruption from my work.  I feel a little guilty putting him down to eat all by himself, but he still gets plenty of attention.

Our cardiology appointments got changed.  We’ve been waiting two months for these appointments next Friday and I just got a letter telling me they had been rescheduled to July 1st, which is just after our California trip rather than before.  I have a call in waiting a reply to see if we are still seeing the doctor we had requested, or if that changed to.  Unfortunately July 1st is also a big day downtown as the AR Main Street people are in town and meeting with the retailers on Broadway Street.  This is definitely something we don’t want to miss.  If July 1st is our only option to see the doctor we want to see, then I will probably see if anyone will volunteer to go with me and the kids while John attends the meetings.  If we aren’t going to get to see that doctor anyway, I’ll probably just reschedule the appointment.  Anyway, just a heads up since I had told so many people we were going down next Friday.

My attitude each day depends greatly on how I look at things.
Will and Seth are taking a bath.  Seth rolls over and gets his face in the water, but he doesn’t seem to mind, so I don’t either.  I take Seth out to get him dried off and a few minutes later Will is out of the bathtub too, along with what seems like half the tub water.  What a great opportunity to mop the floor.

I am snuggled up nursing Seth and doing a word puzzle with Elise.  Will, who is supposed to already be in bed is squatting in the hall squirting glass cleaner all over the carpet.  The hallway smells really clean now, and I didn’t even have to vacuum.

Seth and Elise are sleeping in the same room for the first time.  Seth cries and cries.  When I finally go to check on him I find out that he is awake because Elise has been trying to encourage him by telling him that she is right there next to him.  She really cares for her brothers and tries to protect them.

But sometimes instead of trying to find the positive in something, I realize the wisdom in my mother’s rules.  Now, I know why . . .

-We weren’t allowed to eat anywhere but the kitchen

-Scissors were kept in a kitchen drawer and not our bedrooms

-Toys were kept in one big toybox.

-Playtime outside was encouraged every day.

-We had to wear pajamas 3 nights in a row before getting out new ones.

-We weren’t allowed to change clothes at any time we felt like throughout the day.

-We had a scheduled bath-time once a week.

-We were really good at playing “the quiet game” and “statues.”

-We weren’t allowed to ask for anything when we went shopping.

-We had to sit with our hands in our laps sometimes in the car.

The funny thing is, I don’t remember my mom as being exasperated or frustrated.  Either she was so good at being a mom to six kids that she never got upset or flustered, or kid’s memories in that respect are really forgiving.  I’m kind of hoping for the latter.  :)

OK, I know I shouldn’t post 3 posts in one night, but I had so much fun posting all the pictures that I forgot to update about Seth’s weight gain issues.

We went in last week for Seth’s 6 month appointment.  I had been encouraged that we were gaining weight at the last weight check, where he weighed in at 14 lbs 10 oz, so you can imagine my disappointment when Seth was put on the scale and it only said 14 lbs 1.5 oz. He somehow lost 8.5 oz in one week!  Suffice it to say, we decided we needed to be more proactive in giving him more calories.

Since his appointment I’ve started giving him several bottles of formula each day, along with 2-3 meals of solid foods (cereals, banana, etc) and 3-4 nursing sessions.  I’m hoping all these combinations will give him the boost he needs.  I can’t tell if he is gaining yet, but he does seem to be more demanding of food now, as if he hadn’t really realized how nice it was to be full before.  He is nursing better when I do nurse him, eats the bottles of formula with great interest, and continues to love bananas and cereal.  I haven’t gotten him to venture much further than that on solids, but the doctor said the cereal was full of what he needed.  He also gets a dropper full of liquid vitamins a day.  You’d think they’d flavor those, but they don’t.  He does swallow them though.

Obviously, we still don’t know why we are having to work this hard to get him to gain weight.  The doctor has repeatedly mentioned that I do have small kids, so we don’t expect him to be in the top half of the chart, but we do expect him to gain some weight at this point.  We’ve done tests for infections, and the last blood test had showed a slightly high white blood cell count, so we redid that at his appointment.  I didn’t hear anything, so I am assuming it was normal, but I’ll check next time I go in for a weight check.

We still have our appointment scheduled to check his heart and find out why he has a heart murmur.  That is June 19, so it is getting close.  The doctor is impatient to get those results, just so we know if that is a factor or not.  I got some clarification from him though on what the murmur sounds like, and it sounds like a functional or ejection murmur.  These murmurs are completely natural and do not signify a heart problem.  It is merely the sound of the blood rushing out of the heart.  But, a VSD (ventricular septal defect) can also sometimes sound similar to an ejection murmur, so that is what we want to rule out.  VSD was Emma’s first diagnosis, though hers was due to an abnormally large hole and her murmur (once it showed up) was very distinct.  So we are not expecting anything to that extreme by any means.  Even if there is a VSD, there may be no need for medical intervention.

Will, as you may remember, will also be seeing the cardiologist on the same day.  Sometimes I think he seems like he has outgrown his problem and then he’ll have a day where his feet are extremely blue or red, so I am still glad we are checking it out.

Seth is now 6 months old.  I’m pretty sure that deserves a picture:

This one is so cute, I am pretty sure I will have grandparents emailing me wanting it printed.  :)

Today, Seth got a haircut.  He’s had one trim before, but I had just cut the extremely long peices that were sticking out several inches farther than the rest of his hair.  He’s sported many trendy hairstyles in the last 6 months:
Longish newborn hair

Short curly mohawk

Long curly mohawk

Classic Toupee

Messy Bedhead

And now his latest, Fuzz All Over

And in other news, Seth can now crawl.  He started last week.  His version of crawling is a cross between the army crawl and the inchworm.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it done quite this way before.

First, he looks to find something he shouldn’t have.

Then he reaches as far as he can with one arm while pushing with his toes.

If he doesn’t quite get there in that movement, he’ll stretch the other arm forwards.  Sometimes he has to do some other complicated manuevering to get his arm out from under him since he always scoots right over it, sometimes almost toppling on his head.

It always works though, he gets what he wanted with really very little effort.  His stomach doesn’t even have to leave the ground.

Then he enjoys it until something else catches his eye.

OK, this is long overdue, as it has been over a month since Seth starting eating solids, but I was downloading pictures from my camera and thought you all would enjoy them.  So here is Seth’s first experience eating rice cereal at almost 5 months old.

“How to Eat” by Seth Lein

First you get all ready.  A bib should be worn at all times and you should check your seat to make sure you are safe and secure.

Make sure you have someone to help you.  It is especially helpful if they also know how to eat and can show you the right mouth movements.  Let the person helping you work the spoon, it is a pretty complicated tool.  

Keep a close eye on your food at all times.  You don’t want anyone to take it away because they think you aren’t interested.

Open your mouth wide when the spoon approaches.

Then swallow.

If you happen to get ahold of the spoon, you can try to manuever it to your mouth yourself.

This is really hard to do.

Really, really hard.

Sometimes using two hands will help.

Definitely not recommended for beginners.

Whatever happens don’t let go of the spoon.

If you do, sometimes they don’t give it back.

When you are full, turn your head away so that they won’t keep feeding you.  It helps if you try to look really tired.

One last secret tip:  Try sucking your fingers while eating.  It helps the food go down and adds extra flavor.  My personal favorite method is the upside-down two finger suck, but you could probably use the thumb suck or the right-side-up two finger suck just as easily.  Good luck, and happy eating!