Miriam's Life

I know a lot of you were praying for us today assuming we were seeing the cardiologist.  Unfortunately the appointments didn’t happen.  I had been worried about them yesterday because Elise had a stomach bug and was throwing up.  I was afraid the boys would wake up with the same thing today and make it impossible to go to the appointments.  Thankfully they have so far been spared from getting sick.

We woke up, I planned my whole morning in order to finish school, go to Wal-Mart and eat lunch all before leaving town about 11:30 to get to Lowell in plenty of time for their appointments at 1:00.  After I had already bathed both boys to make sure they were presentable (Seth is always sticky and Will is always colored with markers) and was making arrangements to pick up my Mom who had volunteered to go with me, John answered a phone call from the clinic.  It turns out that they fly the doctor up from Little Rock for the clinic day and apparently it was storming in Little Rock and they couldn’t come.  So the whole clinic day had been cancelled.  They will try to reschedule in the next two weeks.  Needless to say, we were frustrated.  We’ve gone back and forth on these appointments and all in all have been waiting for them for about 6 months.  Of course that is more our fault (and an ill-timed ear infection) than the doctor’s.  Oh well, someday hopefully we will get the answers we need.

In other news, Will does have a speech evaluation tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.  He has been learning new words lately, but still does not put them into sentences or speak very clearly.  I am interested to see how his appointment goes because I know he says a whole lot more to us than he does to others, so I’m not sure the speech therapist will be able to get anything out of him.  If he tests at 6 months behind or more, we may be eligible for free speech therapy, so we’ll see how it goes.  He also has a hearing screen scheduled for the end of the month to check to make sure he is not having any hearing issues that may be contributing to his speech delay.  Pray Will will still be healthy for his appointment tomorrow and that he will cooperate well for the speech therapist.  Also pray for God’s working through the appointment so that if he needs therapy he can get it.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with stress, some anxiety, and more emotions.  Perhaps it is just that added stress from The Baby Habit is putting me in a more fragile state, which then leads to feeling more emotions and anxiety.  Whatever it is, this 4th year since Emma’s death has been in many ways harder than the last two.  I cry easier (and in case you hadn’t noticed since Emma’s death that is one thing that had been a marked change in me — I don’t cry as easily).  But for some reason the tears are closer to the surface these last few months.  I go to support group and actually cry, which is good, but definitely not as comfortable.  I have often found myself fighting anxiety (not nearly as pronounced as the postpartum anxiety I have had in the past, but still there).  I have to really be careful what I watch before going to bed, and often feel that I am trying hard to corral my thoughts to “safe” ones.  Now, I know writing it all out like this will make it seem worse than it is, I don’t deal with all this constantly, it just comes and goes.

The last couple of nights I have been struggling with keeping my thoughts on track and feeling overwhelmed with the anxiety that was threatening to sneak in.  It is usually only at night, after dark, that I deal with the anxiety.  It is when the distractions of the day cease, and I am left only with my thoughts.  Realizing that didn’t help the other night as I begin to wonder if that meant that that weak, anxious person was the real me.  When you take away all that makes up my life, is that all that I am left with?  Anxiety, worry, fear, and sin?  If so, then I really didn’t like myself at all.

Then last night I was working through our new Mothering Matters book study.  The book starts with discovering our identity.  Last night I read the Creation story and was asked to answer several questions concerning how that story related to my identity.  We were not asked to find our identity in the things and relationships that make up or life, but to go beyond that.  It is clear who we are in the first part of the Bible.  We are made in God’s image.  The question was:  “What does being made in God’s image mean for your identity?”  And suddenly it was very clear.  It gives me hope.  If that is the true “me,” than all that other stuff, the weaknesses and sins are not really “me.”  Those are there because of my sin nature, but it is not who I am.  God created me in His image.  He can and will take me beyond my sin and weaknesses, beyond the distractions of life, beyond even the relationships that make up my life, all the way to Him.  To know that I was made in His image encourages me to turn to God in those moments of anxiety, to ignore the lies of Satan that pull me down, and reach up to take God’s hand.  He will pull me out and continue to work in my life to make me more like Him, more like the thing He originally created me to be.

I know I have heard and probably said many times that kids help to teach you patience.  Right now that is clearly evident in the broken record stage that Will is in.  Since he doesn’t really have that many words that he will say, he will sometimes repeat the same word or sound over and over and over and over . . . . to get his point across.  He hasn’t yet figured out that it doesn’t work very well.

From the first moment I am up until I give him his breakfast he will constantly repeat the word “um?”  Which means “I am hungry, please feed me” for those of you who don’t speak Williamese.  If he wants something he doesn’t have a word for he will repeat “this” or “that” with general pointing hoping we will figure it out.  If he wants juice and we have told him no he can only have water, he will continue to repeat the word “juice” hoping we will change our mind by the sheer annoyance of his persistence.

Here’s an example from today.  I was trying to get him to lie down on the couch with me because he’d woken up from nap before everyone else was ready to get up.  He wiggled around trying to find a comfortable spot and finally ended up next to my legs.  His finger touched my leg and he said “oh?” with just the right inflection for me to realize he meant “owie.”

“Do I have an owie?” I asked.

“oh” he repeated.

“Yes, Will” I said, not understanding what response he was looking for.

“oh”

“Uh, huh”

“oh”

“Yes”

“oh”

“It’s OK Will, it doesn’t hurt”

“oh”

As I could no longer think of any response that would satisfy him, I finally just gave up and ignored the repeated word.  He kept at it for a bit, and then also became quiet.  After a few moments I felt slightly wet lips touch my leg as he planted a big kiss on the offending spot, and that settled the matter.

Later Seth woke from his nap and the two of them enjoyed some boy time while Elise still slept.  Here’s a picture of my two boys playing so nicely together.

A couple weeks ago, my family all got together at my parent’s place to do some house-cleaning.  It wasn’t this nice new house we were cleaning though.

It was this one:

For those of you who don’t know, my parents built a brand new house after having lived in the old farmhouse for years and years.  It is the house of our childhood and the house we all still dream we live in.  It is hardly liveable now, and walking into it makes me wonder how we ever really lived there.  We only had air conditioning on occasion (and that was provided by a window unit, so usually only covered one room).  We did our school in the kitchen on warm days and in the living room by the wood stove on cold ones.  We slept with window fans blowing right on us all night long, unless Daddy snuck upstairs while we were asleep to turn them off so we didn’t get too cold.  We all have many good memories of this house, no matter how bad she may look now, so in honor of our childhood home, I wanted to share some pictures I got the day we cleaned out some more of the stuff still remaining inside.
Ghosts of pictures that used to hand on the walls.  I think this must have something to do with the wood-stove that left some sort of coating wherever it could.  One of the things we had to accomplish was to move this huge heavy cast iron stove to the shed.  We did accomplish it believe it or not, but it took 4 people and a dolly that was pretty beat up afterward. 

Ceiling tiles still lie stacked on the floor where they were picked up after falling from the ceiling the day they moved out.  There was a huge water leak from the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs bathroom.  It left quite a mess, and everyone was glad to move out before the house fell down around them.
The back (always cold) closet still contains rows and rows of canning jars, bringing to mind the steaming hot days in the kitchen spent canning the garden produce.  This was one of the times we were treated to air conditioning in the kitchen, a sheet hanging over the opening to the living room to preserve the precious cold air.

A pattern lay out on the living room table, a reminder of all the sewing Mom has done in the past.  This one, you may recognize, Elise wears the resulting dress to church often.  It was a flower girl dress for me originally.

This hat basket always sat on our mantle along with a small basket full of polished stones, another basket with Daddy’s keys, coins, and other misc items from his pockets, and several books.

These stairs are the entrance to the all-girl part of the house.  Granted, Ben had a bedroom up there at one time, but eventually the girls so outnumbered him that he got sentenced to the small nursery bedroom downstairs off of my Mom and Dad’s.  Upstairs contained two very large bedrooms.  For most of our growing up, Bekah and I shared one (along with Mom’s sewing corner), and Liza, Hannah, and Mandie shared the other one.  A small and very scary bathroom connect the two bedrooms on one side, and a hallway full of books connect them on the other side, so they form one great big circle around the stairs.
Here is Nathaniel working hard at salvaging shelving from the hallway that used to be full of books.

As kids started to move out, some of my sisters actually got to have a room to themselves, and their decor was usually changed to suit their likes.  This is a fairy from Hannah’s old room and the door to Mandie’s old room.

  These light fixtures have been in the house since my parents moved in I think.  Or at least as long as I can remember.

Will was a great helper.  He and Aunt Lizzie worked hard filling up the Kubota. I don’t know if he worked as hard as he did because he had figured out that once he got the Kubota full they could drive it to the other house, or if he was just having fun.

Tramp wasn’t much help, but he sure had fun speding time with us.

The porch swing we used to sit on to talk with Mom in the cool evenings or with Dad to shuck corn for dinner.

The mysterious “other” back door we were never allowed to use.  It actually went into my parents’ bedroom.

The calf who currently lives in the large yard of the old house.

  Remnants of a garden that was originally planted to hopefully yield blue flowers for my wedding.  I don’t know if I got any out of it, but it was a beautiful garden.  Mom enlarged it and made it into a really nice place to sit and talk with company.

We all have mixed feelings as we get closer to the day that the old house will be torn down.  Though I don’t think any of us can imagine moving back in to live in it, it will seem odd to have an empty spot instead of the cozy farmhouse we called home.  I know it isn’t a beautiful house, but somehow it always seemed beautiful to us because it was always full of the people we loved.  And I guess that is why it was so easy to transition to coming home to a new house, one I’ve never even lived in, but is often full of the people I love.

Congratulations, Mom and Dad, on getting the house of your dreams.  But thank you so much for spending all our growing up years building a home, vs a house.

I am sitting here surrounded by my children (all but one) and trying to think how to mark this day — what would have been Emma’s 4th birthday.  I’ve realized lately that a lot of the anxiety I was dealing with (and that thankfully is leaving now) might have to do with a new stage of grief that is different than where I’ve been before.  I don’t know if I can explain it or not.  It is very different and full of complicated emotions.

To try to put it simply, I am having to accept that I lost a child, while still trying not to worry about losing any of my other children.  It seems that the more children you have, the more you worry.  I am so thankful for my children’s health and really hope that God does not ask us to walk a path of hardship anything like that we did with Emma.  But that also makes it harder to remember Emma and what we went through without pain.

I ran out of time to finish this post, so it is now July 15th (John and my 9th wedding anniversary by the way!) and I can share how I did remember Emma yesterday.  I went to the Farmer’s Market, where a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and gladiolas caught my eye.  I purchased the bouquet and set it up on the desk at the store along with a small sign saying “in memory of Emma Anne.”  Now, not many people came by to see it, but I still enjoyed having it there.  I wanted to take it to the cemetery later that day, but it was too late to do that by the time we had supper.  Perhaps we can make time today.

Anyway, give your kids that are within reach an extra big hug today.

Today has had a lot of highs and lows.  Last night I was pretty low.  For some reason I went into full-blown anxiety again.  It happened after watching a pretty tense and somewhat gory show with John.  I decided I better not watch stuff like that.  But I think there must be something more to it than that.  I’ve realized after thinking through it today, that I am dealing with some extra emotions lately.  First of all, there is just stress with the business.  And secondly, this month marks the 4th birthday of Emma.  I have been thinking of her a lot, and it is harder lately to think of her.  I guess part of me doesn’t really want to acknowledge that those things happened, because if they did, that means they could happen to one of my other children as well.  So, I guess you could add random worrying in with all that mix as well.

So awakening this morning on less sleep than normal (due to the anxiety which kept me awake longer than normal), I went to get Seth out of bed.  That was a high.  It is hard to be depressed when you are met with such a happy grin.

Most of my day was pretty routine.  Actually, it was not the routine I have been used to (which is working at the store).  I got to stay home today, and though the day went fast and I got very little of my list done, I was happy to spend more time with the kids and the housework.  I had twinges of anxiety, but kept busy enough to ignore it.

At Wal-Mart, we had what you could call a low.  My trip had dragged out longer than anticipated and so Seth was starting to fuss because it was past his naptime.  Will was climbing all over the cart, trying to be helpful and mischevious at the same time.  Elise, who WAS trying to be helpful, grabbed a bag to move it and accidentally dropped the whole thing on the floor.  Unfortunately, it happened to be the bag of eggs.  :(  So there I am with eggs all over the floor, a fussing baby, a rambunctious boy, and now a screaming Elise (who feels terrible and just wants me to hold her).  I cleaned up what I could and actually was able to salvage 8 of the dozen eggs we had started with.  I assured Elise we wouldn’t have to buy more, but could make do with what we had.  Eventually we got out of there, leaving some of the mess for someone else to clean up.

Now I have to finish this story, because it actually makes me want to laugh now.  I got home and put the eggs (which were now missing the top of the carton) on top of the other container of eggs already in my refrigerator door.  (Why do I keep my eggs in my refrigerator door?  I’m not sure.  I guess it is because they fit well there, but I am really starting to rethink this strategy.)  Anyway, everything was fine until I went to get Elise a drink for supper.  When I opened the refrigerator door, I pulled too hard, and the case of eggs slipped right off onto the floor.  Now I only have two eggs out of the dozen I started with.

I was able to laugh again later during supper, this time at Will.  He had eaten his hot dog all the way down to the very last bite, when he saw me help myself to a slice of watermelon.  “Uh,” he said.  This is his normal way to ask for anything, although sometimes he’ll say “juice,” which also means “whatever I want right now.”  “Finish your hot dog,” I told him and pointed to the last bite.  “Uh,” he repeated, more frustrated now.  “Will,” I said, “you are not getting watermelon unless you finish your hot dog.”  This went on for some time, Will pushing his plate towards me, I repeating the rule.  Finally, I pulled John out of his reading to see what his son was doing.  “Look how stubborn he is,” I said pointing to Will’s last bite of hot dog.  John smiled and said, “My, look at that face. That’s pretty silly.”  He was referring to Will’s very long expression: 50% stubbornness, 50% sadness, 100% pitiful.  “Will,” he said, “Would you like a piece of watermelon?”  “Ee,” replies Will nodding his head. (We are beginning to wonder if he knows some spanish.)  “Then finish your hot dog please,” says John.  Will pulls his plate back to himself, picks up the piece of hot dog and sticks it in his mouth, without one word of complaint.  Dumbfounded, I hand him a large piece of watermelon and wonder at how very different the relationship between father and son is than the one between mother and son.
The last high point of my day was with Elise.  She has been begging to do something “special” with me.  She usually interprets this as watching a movie or playing the wii.  I am trying to get her to redefine the word.  So tonight we cut out a dress I had bought fabric for awhile back and never got around to making.  She had picked out the fabric, a brown and blue one, covered with running horses.  It will be an ineresting outfit, but definitely all her.  Since John had left to get some more work done, and the sun was going down, I was starting to feel my anxiety return, but spending time with Elise was very therapeutic.  I told her how much I enjoyed spending time with her, and she replied quite nonchalantly, “thank you.”  As we finished she asked me a question that reminded me how much like me she really is:  “Mom, sometimes I cough small two times, and then I cough really big.  Do you think this is a problem?”  I assured her it wasn’t.

Now all I need is someone to tell me:  “No, what you are feeling is normal.  It is not a problem, and doesn’t mean anything terrible is going to happen.”  You know, I think that God just did, in his own way, speaking this time through my children.

Today was the day Will and Seth were scheduled for cardiology appointments in Little Rock.  Unfortunately, due to an untimely fever, the appointments are being rescheduled yet again.  I headed out this morning with the intention of going to the appointments, but called when I got to Nana’s house (where I was dropping off Elise) to confirm the appointments and see what their policy was on bringing a sick child.  Will had been sick with a high fever all night and I knew I didn’t want to pass anything on to any heart patients.  It turned out they were fine with Will coming, they said they might just ask him to wear a mask.  (I’m not sure how that would have worked out.)

I dropped off Elise and headed to Bekah’s to pick up her and Brennan since they were coming with us to help me with the two boys since John couldn’t make it.  While I was there, I got another call from the clinic, this time letting me know that they weren’t sure if the fever would affect Will’s tests.  So they asked me to wait while they double-checked with the cardiology nurse.  She called back a few minutes later and confirmed that yes, fever would throw off the results, so our appointments were cancelled.  I haven’t heard yet when they will be rescheduled.

I was frustrated as we’ve waited so long for these appointments, but if I go all the way there and pay for these expensive tests, I do want them to be the most accurate results possible.  Since we had a free day, I called and made an appointment for Will at the local clinic to see why he has been running a fever the last few days.  We all have colds, and it turned out that Will’s had turned into an ear infection, so he will now be on antibiotics.  I think there has only been once I haven’t taken Will in for a fever and found either an ear infection or strep, so I wasn’t too surprised.

The really good thing that has happened today because of all of this is that I have possibly greatly reduced my outstanding balance at the clinic.  I went to talk to them about it because I wasn’t sure the balance was correct.  It turns out that it most likely was (though I still need to do some checking on that), but they discovered another mistake they had made and decided that to make it right they would just write that part of my bill off.  Thank you so much to the doctor and financial people who had a part in that.  That will help us out a lot.  Plus, as I looked through the detailed printout the financial assistant had given me I realized that some of the charges on my account should probably have been paid by insurance.  So I called insurance and they believe that the automatic processing may have somehow missed these charges, so they are re-processing them for me.  So that is another large chunk out of our bill.  So, I guess I have to say I am glad to be home today instead of in Little Rock, since it meant I am sorting out bills.

We drove from Arizona to Dana Point, CA where the big family reunion was held.  We had a good time exploring beautiful beaches and tide pools, taking walks in the beautiful CA weather, and visiting with relatives we haven’t seen in a long time.

Friday we took the day to visit Knotts Berry Farm.  Will’s favorite ride was the truck ride, where he got to sit and pretend to drive a semi.  He loved it and took it very seriously.  Elise loved the ferris wheel.  For me, I think my favorite part was the Wild West Stunt Show.  It was very well done, and very entertaining.

Saturday, John and I took the kids to the beach.  Seth got his first taste (quite literally) of sand.  He loved playing in it, though.  Will loved filling buckets with water and sand.  Elise played in the water and sand and of course didn’t want to leave.

Saturday afternoon we attended John’s grandparents 70th wedding anniversary.  Then Mark and Emily were kind enough to babysit Will and Elise so that John and I could take Seth and visit friends.

Then we all came home yesterday.  Unforunately, we all came home a bit sick.  I caught some sort of nasty stomach bug that hit me between flights coming home, Seth has had a cough almost all week, Will has a fever, Elise has a bit of a temp, and even John is now feeling sick.  But we had a great trip regardless.  Just pray we’ll start feeling normal soon so we can catch up with stuff here at home.

This is my third attempt at writing a post for the blog.  My first one was entitled “The Joys of Traveling with Children” and I decided it was too much complaining.  :)  The second one got erased on accident, so here is the third attempt.

We left Sunday morning from Tulsa, flying to Phoenix, AZ.  The kids did pretty well on the flight.  Seth had the most problems, but nursing finally got him to sleep.

We then drove to Flagstaff and stayed overnight in a cabin.  Monday we spent at the Grand Canyon and hiked down a bit into it.  Even Elise hiked with us and though it was a hard hike back up, we all made it.  I have to echo my Dad’s advice that it is a LOT harder to come back out than it is to go down into the canyon.  Always keep that in mind.  Elise recovered a lot quicker than I did though.  And of course, she is apparently too young to now be sore.

John took some pictures on his i-phone.  We unfortunately went off without the bag with the camera and video camera.  :(  I’ll get John to put up some of his pictures later.
Yesterday we drove half a day to get to Dana Point, CA, the location of the big family reunion.  It is fun to be surrounded by so many of John’s relatives that we don’t often get to see.  Last reunion was 10 years ago.  John and I were engaged, and there weren’t very many kidsa at the reunion.  Now we are surrounded by children; it is amazing what all can happen in 10 years.

As far as traveling with children, I’ll just say that it has been interesting for John and I sleeping in the same room with all three children, a two-hour time difference, and later than normal bedtimes.  Seth is also getting very unhappy with car rides, which is saying a lot since he is never unhappy.  I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.  :)  They are enjoying the daytime activities and the people though, so we are enjoying our time immensley.

That’s how much Seth weighed this week.  Here’s how he rates on the growth charts:  10th percentile weight, 90th percentile height, 5th percentile head circumference (told you my kids have small heads).  It may still seem small, but it is a pound and a half over two weeks ago, so we are thrilled.  I guess that formula is really working.  I am a little bit sad because I have always wanted to make it to a year of nursing, and that doesn’t look like it is going to happen now, but seeing the obvious difference in his weight gain makes it all worth it.  He still nurses about 3 times a day (4 if I wake him at night, though I’m thinking of stopping that now that he is gaining since he hasn’t acted that hungry then).  And I do have to admit that bottle-feeding is a whole lot easier when Seth is with me at the store.  He will even hold the bottle himself now, so feeding has become a joy instead of an interruption from my work.  I feel a little guilty putting him down to eat all by himself, but he still gets plenty of attention.

Our cardiology appointments got changed.  We’ve been waiting two months for these appointments next Friday and I just got a letter telling me they had been rescheduled to July 1st, which is just after our California trip rather than before.  I have a call in waiting a reply to see if we are still seeing the doctor we had requested, or if that changed to.  Unfortunately July 1st is also a big day downtown as the AR Main Street people are in town and meeting with the retailers on Broadway Street.  This is definitely something we don’t want to miss.  If July 1st is our only option to see the doctor we want to see, then I will probably see if anyone will volunteer to go with me and the kids while John attends the meetings.  If we aren’t going to get to see that doctor anyway, I’ll probably just reschedule the appointment.  Anyway, just a heads up since I had told so many people we were going down next Friday.