Miriam's Life

Will is one week old today. We took him in for his first check-up. He now weighs 9 lbs. 0.5 oz. (so 1 1/2 oz. over his birthweight). He measured 21 in. long, but I’m sure that is just a difference in measuring styles, as he was 21 1/2 in. at birth. Everything else looks good. His heart sounds really good, with no signs of murmurs. His eyes, ears, and nose all passed inspection as well. The doctor thought his color had improved, but since it had been still elevated at last check we had to go get it checked again. I don’t know yet what the number is.

Here’s a picture of Will being a good boy in the doctor’s office:

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Sorry it has taken me so long to update. Today has been a hectic day. We took Will outside on the porch this morning for some “sunbathing” before we headed to the clinic for the bilirubin test. We didn’t get a phone call until later that his level is now 14, so he is improving. We are still encouraged to get him in the sun and keep nursing well. This afternoon Will has been nursing almost every hour, so I think we have that part under control.

As for me, I was much better today than I have been. Most of the day I have felt pretty close to normal with just a small twinge of nervousness left. I should be past the hump, though it makes me nervous to say that, hoping I won’t have another down. But for right now, I can look at our future without being overwhelmed. I know it will be awhile before we find what is normal around here, but I am not scared to work toward that point anymore. I actually spent some of my day doing some things that needed to be done, but I had not found time or energy to do before. I did several loads of laundry and cleaned my kitchen. It feels good to begin to be the manager of my home again. It will be awhile before I am completely on top of things (if I ever am), and I have realized that mentally I still feel very much behind. I’m sure the functioning on such little amounts of sleep will make me feel slow in my thinking for awhile.

Elise is home with us, and doing really well with the adjustments. I have had to tell her “don’t” several times today: i.e. “Don’t run next to Will,” “Don’t swing that by Will,” “Don’t throw things in the house, you might hit Will,” etc. If you ask her, she will tell you that Will is supposed to take care of her, and she is supposed to take care of him. Hopefully, they will both put that into practice eventually. :)

We had lots of visitors today, but I was still able to sneak in a short nap. It is amazing how our bodies adjust to such little sleep. John and I were both up until about 1:30 last night as Will was not cooperating with night-time schedule. My mom will be here again tonight, so we should get sleep, but I hope that she does as well.

Here are some pictures:

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Well, I was disappointed today that I seemed to have a worse day than yesterday. It wasn’t a terrible day, it was just that my nervousness was around most of the day. I think hopefully I am hitting some sort of hump that I need to get over and thankfully the medicine is keeping it in the manageability level. It was also not relaxing being at the clinic, especially when we were sent to the lab. It was just too close to some of the memories of Emma’s first week of life. Just recently the nervousness has begun to subside so I am enjoying my “afternoon break,” as I am beginning to see these times of normalcy. I did sleep really well last night, deep enough that it took some work to crawl out of bed to feed Will. I also got some semblance of a nap after lunch. Elise came home about 3:00, and though I was worried how I would handle an extra kid, she has actually been a help as she brings things closer to being “normal” around here. She also eagerly helps me run go get things for Will. We gave him a sponge bath as well, and she enjoyed washing his hair with me. We also got her first impression as to Will’s “body.” (Body is a term Elise uses for bottom.) When I removed his diaper to wash him, she laughed and said, “he has a funny body.” “That is what little boys look like,” I told her. “He is different than you isn’t he?” “Yep,” she said, and that was it.
An interesting thing did happen last night. I woke at 5:30 (unfortunately right in the middle of Will’s longest sleeping stretch) because of a terrible dream I had about him. He had stopped breathing. Thinking back on the dream as I lay in bed, I realized that I had actually not called his name though, it had been Emma’s name instead. I was also not feeling the anxiety levels then either, meaning that this dream was not pulled out of some hormone induced anxiety, but rather out of my past. It shows perhaps a fear that I am harboring in my soul. I did get out of bed and check Will to reassure myself that it was just a dream. I had a hard time going back to sleep after that though. But as I lay there praying and thinking, I realized something very important. During our name choosing, I had been working so hard to choose a name that meant something special because Emma’s name had such an important meaning. Of course, it was just girl’s names I was looking at, as we’ve had our boy’s name picked out for years. Yesterday, I was reminded by Nana (John’s mom) that William means “strong protector.” This morning as I reflected on my fears and memories, I realized that God had picked out the perfect name for our son years before we needed it. Instead of thinking of Will as a protector (though I hope he is), it is a reminder to me that God is our protector. Hopefully this will be a constant reminder to me to trust God and leave Will in his capable hands. Thankfully, God has been gracious to not allow the anxiety from this depression to settle on worries about Will. Otherwise it would be harder for me to rationally deal with it.

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The pediatrician at Willow Creek had asked us to get Will’s weight and skin color checked today, so we took him by the clinic. He weighed 8 lbs. 12.5 oz. (2 1/2 oz. under birth weight), which is normal for 4 days old. Dr. Youmans said he was a little yellow so while we were there we had them do a bilirubin check in the lab. We got a call late this afternoon to let us know that Will’s level was 17! That is very high. So he is sitting without clothes on in front of the window while there is a bit of sunshine left today. Tomorrow morning we’ll take him back to get checked again to see if they are going down or up. Please pray that Will’s eating and the sun can lower his levels, otherwise he’ll have to go under the hospital lights (not a bad thing, but just an extra thing to handle and work around). I’ll let you know what the level is when we get back tomorrow.

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If you’d like to see the picture the hospital took of Will go to:

http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=1J2Q1E0K5R

There are four different pictures you can see there.

This afternoon, John and I decided we will take Will out to my parent’s house as I am doing much better at the moment. So, if you had been planning on stopping by, I’m sorry to mess that up. We’d still love to see you any time this week. I’m not sure what time we will be home this afternoon either, but probably not too late.

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Hello all,

Thank you for all your prayers, I think I am feeling them. Yesterday my anxiety started to subside mid-afternoon and I had a good time visiting with Becky, Laura, and my sister Bekah. By evening it began to return, so I don’t know if the good part of the day was due to the anti-depressant or perhaps to the prayers. I went to bed feeling very anxious. My mom came to spend the night and so she slept in the living room with Will and only came to get me when he needed to eat. My milk came in yesterday, so that meant that Will was able to go 3 hours between feedings vs. the 1 1/2 he was doing the night before. I thought I would be unable to sleep, but I guess I was so exhausted that my tiredness won over the nervousness. I slept between each feeding, and each time I woke up, I felt a little less anxious. I still feel very much behind on sleep and am still quite nervous this morning, but better than yesterday. I am also very physically sore this morning as well, so I will be trying to rest a lot today. I took my half a pill this morning so I am waiting to see how it affects me. Hopefully with less of the bad side effects and more of the good ones. You can pray for that. I also still feel like I am needing some company today, so if you have been wanting to stop by, please do. If I am resting, I will have John head you off at the door, or put a sign out so you do not need to feel afraid of waking me. I also enjoy receiving emails from anyone and will try and work on answering the ones I am behind on today. It is a way to “talk” to friends, so that is one outlet I am taking advantage of. I am a little sorry I will not be in church today as I can hardly wait to show off my little man, but I know that physically and emotionally it would be too much of a wear on me.

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Hello again. John, Will, and I got home a little after 7:00 last night. Will has his nights and days completely confused, so I am running on very little sleep. Unfortunately, because the doctor couldn’t come until the evening to discharge us, I did not get my anti-depressants until this morning. I think I was so focused on getting on them as soon as possible, that I began to worry about depression last night. I did OK last night until the sun rose and I realized that finally Will was occupied and I now no longer felt like sleeping. There is nothing worse than knowing the best thing for you is to sleep and totally not having the desire. And of course laying there trying to sleep never works. I got up and took a shower all the while sobbing my heart out for no apparent reason. John went to Wal-Mart and came back as soon as possible with my anti-depressants, and I took my first one right away. I then ate a huge breakfast and fell asleep for about 30 minutes. When I awoke, I was assailed with what I can only describe as anxiety. I am so nervous, both in thoughts, and in physical symptoms. I can not quit moving some part of my body at all times, I have nausea and a burning sensation through my chest. I was shaking uncontrollably as well. All of this can be related to the post-partum depression or as side effects to the medication. Unfortunately, I do remember having these symptoms worse for the first couple of days of being on the anti-depressant, so it could be because I took the pill. Tomorrow, I may try to take half in the morning and half at night to try to reduce how hard it hits me if it is indeed in response to the medication filling my system.

Here is my request. Please, please pray for me. I have tried to be honest in how I am feeling, but have no idea if you can tell from my explanation that this is one of the most helpless and horrible things I ever experience. I’ve experienced it all before, and in some ways that is making it harder to cope with. For my first time I was not as bad, and I had the hope that it would go away any day. For my second I lived for awhile on the hope that I would be lucky enough not to experience it. This time I have no hope but that the medicine will work quickly. God is speaking continuously to me, but I am finding I am dealing with this in the same way I dealt with Will’s labor, by fighting. I am afraid to even attempt sleeping even though I know that is what I need most of all, but with my stomach all tied up with knots I know I will just lay there building up more anxiety. I almost feel as if God is asking me to let go, to lean on him and he will carry me through, but all I want to do is fight. I honestly feel like physically running or boxing. Unfortunately, I also feel like I could very easily pass out, so neither of those is a possibility.

So, a few specific requests for prayer:

-That I can find some way to cope with this very physical form of depression.

-That by some miracle I will get some sleep.

-That the medication will take effect very quickly and work as effectively as it has in the past.

-That I can again look at my son with fondness and desire to do what needs to be done to take care of him.

As to practical things you can do, if you don’t mind sitting with someone who may go from tears to physical forms of anxiety and may say some really irrational things, I’m sure my husband could use some breaks. This is especially true if you have gone through this before, as I know you will be able to relate. I would really appreciate prayer from a distance and prayer prayed over me and with me if you feel up to it.
Elise did see me in tears this morning and kept asking why I was sad. She assumed it was becuase of Emma. Thankfully I had taken the time to sit down with her last week and explain to her that having babies makes mommy cry, but that nothing will be wrong. I did say that she might have to spend some time at other people’s houses because I would have a hard time being a good mommy for awhile. She seemed to accept that fine. So this morning all I had to do was remind her of our previous conversation and she responded with, “But I don’t have to go to Nana’s house,” reassuring me that she feels like I am a fine mommy despite this. She did of course than eagerly leave for Grandma’s house later, but she was actually a comfort to me this morning.

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I’m here still in the hospital having just nursed little Will and thought I’d update with more details for those of you who are curious. [...]

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William Phillip Lein (Will) was born today at 12:33 pm, weighing 8 lb 15 oz, measuring 21.5″ long. Everybody is healthy and doing great. A couple photos attached – for more visit http://www.flickr.com/photos/22465159@N00/

We’ll update with more info soon.

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I am now two weeks from my due date and could feasibly go into labor at any time.  I had a regular check-up at the doctor today, and he says everything looks fine and it is basically just waiting for labor from this point on.  I have been experiencing contractions off and on the last few days, but they always peter out before getting any harder.  They are painless at this point, so at least they are not wearing me out.  I can usually sleep through them fine.  The baby’s heartrate was 140.  He/she has been moving around a lot lately, so that is good.  So other than that I am just waiting, slightly impatiently, for something to happen.  My doctor is out of town on Friday and Saturday, so he encouraged me to wait until next week (knowing of course that I really have no control over this.)

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