Miriam's Life

I have put off posting what it was like to go through the anniversary of Emma’s death.  Perhaps partly because it went so much smoother than I expected and I have been waiting for something to happen to change that, and partly because I felt the need to continue a bit longer in a private personal rememberance.  The transition from one year to more than a year went quite smoothly.  I felt that if I had not chosen to mark the day, it very well could have passed with little notice.  But then again, perhaps it was because I had worked myself up for that day so much that I was able to walk through it so easily.  To be honest, I limited myself to what memories I allowed myself to dwell on because I did not want to spend the time in tears.  Since that day, I have slowly began noticing signs of emotions building up inside.  I did cry the other day, about something that I would normally not cry about, and having nothing to do with Emma.  That was a sign that I am a little bit too full of emotion right now.  Yesterday I found myself close to tears, again over little things that were childish to be upset about.

Last night, our wonderful, kind Father gave me the release I needed. [...]

Continue Reading

Here are some pictures of Emma’s headstone.  It was placed just last week and it looks great.  John designed it, with some help from me.  The tree on it is an olive tree, which symbolizes peace, something we felt embodied a lot of what we have.

Continue Reading

For those of you that do not attend our church, my sister Bekah and I sang the song “Held” by Natalie Grant in church on Sunday.  I had some things in mind I wanted to say in relation to the song, but did not trust myself to speak on that day.  In fact, I’m surprised I got through the whole song.  I wanted to share the song with the church family because of how you have excelled in walking through grief with me.  Your continuous prayers, notes of encouragement, and meaningful questions have all been well appreciated.  I know that not everyone knows how to comfort someone in the loss of an infant, but you all have done it well.  Shortly after Emma’s death, I looked at John and asked him why it all seemed so easy.  I was curious why grieving was not harder for us than it was.  His reply was simply:  “There are a lot of people praying.”  Thank you for being those people.  Thank you for lifting us up on those prayers.

Continue Reading

Today one year ago marks the beginning of the last week of Emma’s life.  I have had many good memories this last week.  For one, on my birthday Emma had eaten a whole ounce by mouth with no struggling.  That was something she hadn’t done in a long time.  She was learning, growing, and happy.  One of my favorite memories of her (both because of what it told me about the development of her mind and because it was a happy moment) happened sometime during the week before this last week.  I was feeding Emma again with a bottle (she’d had a break for awhile because of congestion and respiratory problems).  Because she’d lost some of the coordination involved with eating (or just forgot it) I was having a hard time getting her to remember what the bottle was for.  She loved the nipple, but only to bite, not to suck.  So I set out to try to teach her that the nipple was not for biting.  Every time she bit down on the nipple I told her “no” in as stern a voice as I could manage.  After doing this a couple times, she bit down hard on the nipple, looked right at me with a mischevious twinkle in her eye, and she smiled.  Needless to say my attempt at sternness dissolved into laughter as she and I enjoyed a moment of play.  Shortly after this of course, Emma did show that she would cooperate as then she had that successfull attempt at eating the whole bottle.

Knowing these moments of happiness she was able to have then it is hard to remember the change that occurred in the last week of her life.  It was not an easy week for her or for me.  Some people have asked me if I ever had a premonition of what was to come, and the truth is I did not.  Her death was as sudden to me as it was to anyone, including her doctors.  There were very few times in Emma’s life that I even thought of the chance we had of losing her.

What is it like for me to be remembering right now, to be approaching the anniversary of her death, her heaven birthday?  Well, it is not easy.  But there is still joy in my memories.  The truths that the Lord has revealed to us through our grieving are very real to me even now in the midst of the remembering.  How do I think about it?  I think about her a lot.  Mostly I try to imagine what it would be like were she still here.  I daydream of taking her to church, oxygen and all, and sharing her with all of you.  I wonder what it would be like to hold her, how strong she would be, how much she would be able to do.  In a nutshell, I am missing her presence here with us.  I am also realizing that I often use the emotional aspects of how I feel about Emma and the spiritual aspects of what God has taught me through her as some sort of personal religion.  I feel that I have been living some in the past when it comes to my walk with Christ and am encouraged to try to concentrate on what God wants to do in my life right now.  Perhaps this one year anniversary will be a good point to mark a change in my walk with Christ or at least my focus.  Though I never want to forget what God has done through Emma’s life, I also don’t want to miss what else he has for me.  I need to find balance in this.

Continue Reading

Elise and I went to our 16 week check-up today.  It was a pretty short appointment.  I had them check my hemoglobin levels because I haven’t been feeling well (although today I’ve felt fine) and I thought that maybe I needed more iron.  It tested at 13, which is really good, so I guess that isn’t the reason.  After a short chat with the doctor (the only concern I had was numb toes, which I found out are a normal part of pregnancy) we listened to the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler.  He found it pretty quick and asked Elise if she knew what sound that was, and she did.  Elise enjoyed going with me, I’ll have to take her to one of the ultrasounds too.  So everything looks good.  My next appointment is not until March.  I’ll have one more here in Siloam, with I think an ultrasound, and then the one in Little Rock.

Continue Reading

As you all probably know, Elise is now 4 years old!  In her words, “One time I was 3, now I am 4!”  She is quite excited about being a whole year older, and perhaps her favorite present was a puppy that Daddy drove many miles to get for her.  Her name is Kit.  Here are some pictures of her, she’s a Boston Terrier, and very sweet.  We are in the midst of house training, which of course falls to Mommy most of the time. :) Kit loves people, and Harvey (the orange kitten sleeping with her on the couch in the pictures).  She also loves chewing on things and hiding under the couch.  We’ve spent much of our day today rescuing her from upstairs as she figured out how to climb up, but not down.

Continue Reading

OK, I know this is late, but I was just emptying my camera and realized I still had Christmas pictures on it. So here are some pictures of Christmas. I hope you enjoy.

Here we all are:

Elise gets excited about other people’s presents too:

Elise got a lot of dress-up items:

And of course, what kid doesn’t like bubble wrap:

Continue Reading