And Then There Was Joy.

Well, that’s our house lately. :) A couple weeks ago John and Elise came down with a cold. Elise’s lasted for a couple weeks. I was hoping I wouldn’t get it, because who wants to be sick and pregnant at the same time? Well, I didn’t, meaning I was able to speak clearly at Mothering Matters in January with my Mom. We spoke on purity in marriage and in rasing our children.

Well, I guess my cold was just delayed, because this weekend, I’ve been pretty much knocked out with a cold–therefore the sniffles and sneezes. Elise keeps asking when my cold will get better. Thankfully, I am on the mend now and only had to take a couple tylenol for headaches (one bad thing about colds during pregnancy, I don’t like to take many drugs to help me feel better). Other than the cold, I am feeling really well lately. Though I don’t have much energy and am finding my body is demanding much more sleep than I had been functioning on. Some nights I am in bed shortly after Elise, and most days, I am napping right along with her. That baby must really be growing. :)

As to the tears, well, that is just the way I am lately. I cannot as often trust myself to be able to talk or even think of Emma without tears involved. I find it hard to think too much of this baby, because it is her that is foremost in my emotions right now. I’ve been reliving what were to be her last days. I wonder if I would have done things differently had I known they were her last days (although to be honest I would have been so concentrated on “saving her” that I probably would have wasted them. As it was, Emma spent much of January and February at home with us. She was chubby as can be, and on her good days, a whole lot more active. I think remembering her and our loss makes me fear more for the health of this child. I thankfully don’t waste too much time worrying about it, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I can feel the tinglings of questions and of fear. [...]

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I went to the doctor today for a routine checkup on the baby.  It was my first time to meet the doctor, and after asking my huge list of questions and getting answer after answer that impressed me, I must say I really like him a lot.  My questions included everything from heart defects, to intervention during labor, to postpartum depression.  I found out they are able to do the type of ultrasound to check for heart defects we need here in Springdale, but I still requested to go down to Little Rock, as I am comfortable with the doctors there.  So that is in the works to be scheduled, my guess is it will be sometime in March.  After talking with him for about 30 minutes he did a quick ultrasound to just peak at the baby and it is amazing how much they grow in just 4 weeks.  I’ll show you this morning’s ultrasound next to the one from a month ago and you can see how much has changed.

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An old year-2006. This last year has been very full. Full of sorrow, full of joy. Full of disappointment, full of hope. Full of questions, full of peace. Full of family, full of friends. I don’t look back on the year as being a bad one. But perhaps I will always look back on it with a tinge of sadness. Always, always, will I remember 2006 as the year I said good-bye to Emma. Thinking back on the start of 2006, I realize that we started the year with so much hope. Emma was doing well, I had been home with Emma for a full two weeks, the longest stretch I think since her heart surgery. We truly thought we had conquered Emma’s breathing spells by keeping her on oxygen, and though she showed some signs of still having trouble, I still hoped for the best. While Emma was alive, dates were not as important to me. The new year came with not much difference for me. We celebrated birthdays in February, but other than that the weeks are a blur without dates until Febrary 22, which will always stick clearly in my mind. Since that day I have experienced so much, and though many of the days have been filled with pain, more of them have been filled with joy. It has been a year of firsts, but rather than a year of Emma’s firsts we thought we’d experience, it has been a year of our firsts without her. Instead of watching her grow, we have had to watch ourselves grow stronger through pain. But I think I can truly say that it has been a year of healing, thanks to a loving Father.

A new year-2007. We start this new year with hope as well. The hope of a new child, the hope of more healing. We have birthdays coming up again soon. Elise turns 4 on February 1. It is hard to believe it was 4 years ago that I gave birth to her. After Elise’s birthday and my own though, I anticipate with hesitation the heavenly birthday of Emma. I’m not even going to pretend that it will be an easy anniversary for us. But I am not wanting to turn and run as I once did. I am ready to face it, to face not only the memories, but to move past them to celebrate the joy Emma experiences in heaven.

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