And Then There Was Joy.

I am sitting here tonight trying to find a way to share the news I want to share with you all. Some of you will have already heard. Perhaps some of you have not. John and I are happy to announce that we are expecting to welcome a new baby to our family July 2007. With this news I have already gone through a mountain of emotions, including excitement, joy, fear, anticipation, dread, nervousness, sadness, peace, and others. I know that this pregnancy will be much more complicated emotionally than either of my others. I experience excitement at the thought of a new life growing within me. I experience joy at the thought of holding a child in my arms, one that I have given birth to. I experience fear as I think of all the things that could go wrong, and how God has made me no promises regarding the length of time we will experience this child. I experience anticipation of the arrival of this little one. I experience dread as I think of labor, sleepless nights, postpartum depression, etc. I also experience dread as I wonder how fearful I will be once my child is born. I experience nervousness at the newness of this pregnancy. For the first time I will be seeing a doctor for my prenatal care and will be planning on delivering in the hospital. I experience sadness as I am so aware of the missing member of our family, and that no matter how large our family grows, that emptiness will still be there. And I have experienced peace, as I know that no matter how long I experience this life, no matter what struggles this child will have, and no matter what the path God has set before us now, He will be there beside us. He has proven himself to us in so many ways, it is hard not to trust him in this as well.

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OK, this is a little late, but I thought I should probably post some pictures of Elise on halloween. She enjoyed it so much. I don’t know what was more exciting, the costume or the candy. By the way, Elise decided herself that she would be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. The “ruby” slippers were a must, and I’m sure you’ve seen her wearing them around at other times as well. Ever since she got those shoes, she has been very interested in anything sparkly.

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I’m sorry I haven’t posted recently. I’ve thought about it, and then it just doesn’t happen. You know what happened this day a year ago? I took Emma to the ER for the very first time. It was a long and overwhelming day. You can look back at the post from that day if you want, but as I read it I thought that it didn’t touch many of my memories of that day at all. What I remember is taking Emma to the clinic and waiting to see the doctor all the while worryingly watching Emma as she struggled to breathe. Unfortunately I had got to the clinic before Dr. Youmans had made it there. So I ended up heading back out and to the ER when I felt Emma’s color was getting bad. Of course the nurses and doctors in ER panicked, they had never seen one of her spells before, and I admit they were pretty scary to watch. Anyway, there were a lot of emotions that went through me that day including fear. Though I don’t remember ever having an overwhelming fear of losing her, it was more just the unknown. And of course frustration at not being able to do anything for her. Emma I know was scared. The only time in her life that I remember seeing fear in her eyes was during episodes. Even when nurses came at her with needles she tended to show frustration before fear. I’ve seen her try to kick a nurse away that was trying to poke her. :)

I don’t think this was a bad day. In fact, as I was coming back from support group yesterday, I started talking to myself, as I often do on the drive back home. Usually it is about Emma, and as I thought through my words, I can’t say that I view any day that I had with Emma as bad. Sure I can think of ways I would rather spend the day, but only if Emma was able to spend it that way too. If she was struggling, I gladly would struggle with her. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to spend so many days with her, both easy ones and hard ones.

Because it has taken me so long to post I do have some things to mention from a few days back. Halloween. Halloween last year I was in Little Rock awaiting Emma to come out of surgery. She was getting her G-tube placed. The days surrounding that time (and directly after receiving the overwhelming news of brain damage and possible genetic abnormalities) there were many people that came to spend their day with Emma and me. Thank you Gail, Laura, Mom, Dad, Delia, Bekah, Judy, and Becky. You responded to my call for support so quickly and willingly. Thank you Gail for just spending girl time with me. Thank you Bekah for buying Emma a mobile, she loved it! Thank you Judy and Laura for sitting through the surgery with me and John. Thank you Delia for washing my clothes even though you had to tramp all over the whole hospital just to get soap. :) Thank you Becky for so gracefully responding to the news that you would have to spend the night in the waiting room rather than in the room with me. Thanks for letting me “escape” from the hospital for awhile and do something as ordinary as watching a movie. Thank you Mom and Dad for bringing Elise for a vist. And thank you Elise for filling my heart with joy as I enjoyed a day with you at the zoo. Thank you John for rushing to Little Rock in resonse to a teary request from me with little explanation. And while I’m on the topic of thank-you’s, do you remember Laura when I showed up at your door one day in November and dumped Elise on your doorstep while I hurried off to the ER? Thank you for being the kind of friend that I knew I could do that to. Thank you all, everyone who has touched our lives deeply in connection with Emma. I could never possible mention you all.

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