And Then There Was Joy.

Lord, please heal my heart, but not so much that I don’t hurt,

For if I don’t hurt, how will I remember.

Lord, never let me forget the pain,

For if I forget, how will I know your blessings

Lord if you choose to fill my arms, still let them ache just a bit,

For if they don’t ache, she will be forgotten.

Lord walk with me through memories,

For without you there, I might only look at the negative.

Lord show me just enough of your purpose in my pain,

That I may be content with the path you have chosen for me.

Lord, open my eyes to others that are hurting,

So that I may be your hands of comfort to them.

Lord, make of me what you will,

So that this pain is not in vain.

Amen.

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Well, this will be a post of odds and ends, but here goes.

First of all, this has been a good week despite the memories of Emma. September 14 was a very significant day in my mind.  It marked the first day Emma travelled down to Little Rock.  It was the day we met one of the most important people in Emma’s life, Dr. Morrow.  As I went through this week, every day it seemed like something would bring a pain of reminder to my heart, a pain I can actually feel.  But right alongside that I am reminded of how we were blessed by those who are part of those memories.  To name a few, Helen Hawkins (who fist diagnosed Emma), my Mom (who stayed with me all day as we waited for an appointment in Little Rock), John’s Mom (who because of her determination and concern actually got Emma’s appointment with Dr. Youmans on Tuesday moved up a few hours, which allowed us to get things moving so much faster), Dr. Youmans (who through all of Emma’s life showed his concern and care and spent much of his precious time on Tuesday acquiring Emma an appointment at Children’s), and Dr. Morrow (who fit Emma into his schedule that day and always worked tirelessly for her health).  Thank you all.  You have shown God’s love to us.

In other news, Elise is growing up fast.  She is an AWANA cubby now!  She loves it and remembers each verse that they’ve done.  She is also progressing very fast in preschool (which I do with her at home, and she does some with Nana and Aunt Hannah).  She knows quite a few letters and their sounds and even writes some of them.  We are working on writing her name.  She gets a little frustrated with the “s”.  I’ve included some pictures of her with Pop’s (my dad) new puppy.  Who’s cuter, the puppy or Elise?

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As I stand here on the threshold of what I see as 5 months worth of Emma memories, I am a little nervous. You see, even though Emma’s birthday was in July, it is now that we are hitting the “significant dates.” Most of Emma’s first two months are a blur of feeding difficulties and confusion. I have memories from that time, but not specific to dates. Yesterday marked the day that Emma received the unofficial diagnosis (from Helen :)) of VSD. This Thursday (September 14) was our first trip down to Little Rock. From here on out all I can see are a long line of dates relating to one health issue or another, and a few more special days as well, such as the day Emma first laughed. But I hesitated before starting on this path–one that has to be walked–of memories. Most of that nervousness I think has to do with the one big date that stands out in my head-Feb. 22. I don’t really want to live that day again. Part of me sort of wishes that day were just wiped from the calendar, while another part of me wants to celebrate the day that Emma was born into heaven. It’s a birthday for her, the one that holds the most meaning now. So, as we step out on this path, please walk with us in prayer and thoughts. We will need the support, we will need people to cry with, we will need people to laugh with. Yesterday, many tears were shed at what I lost. Today, I will admit I made a conscious choice to not dwell on Emma, because I didn’t want to feel the pain today. I think the next 5 months are going to be a lot of that, back and forth. And then . . . I think what is next? Is that it? I know it isn’t, but what will change when we pass that date, the end? It won’t be the end, I know. There will be next year and the next. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of joy in our memories, even in the tears. John and I are so confident of the blessings that were poured out on us through Emma’s life and death. Both of us are sure of God’s love and of the love of His family. So, as I look ahead and plan on looking back, I hope to find the blessings there alongside the emptiness. And as I do, I will share it with you.

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