And Then There Was Joy.

Here is a cute story about Elise and discipline. The other day we were getting ready for company and I asked her to clean her room. Of course, she is really good about getting me to “help,” which means I end up doing most of the work. So I told her that I would only work as long as she was working. When she stopped and sat down, I stopped. She asked me why I wasn’t cleaning and I told her that she wasn’t working. So then she says, “Well, I am done cleaning. I think I will leave these toys out.” “No, Elise,” I said, “You are having company, you need to clean your room. Besides, Mommy needs to sweep in here.” She insisted she was done. So I told her, “If you don’t pick up your toys I will have to sweep them up and throw them away. And once they go in the trash can, they are not coming back.” “Well,” she says, “I have played with these toys a long time. That will be OK.” “Oh, no!” I thought to myself. But I went to get the broom and started sweeping around her toys. I kept trying to reason to her, but she continued to sit there completely nonchalant. “Elise,” I said, “I will be sad if I have to throw away all these toys.” “I don’t want you to be sad.” she said, “But I am not sad.” “OK,” I thought. “Here is the test of your discipline Mom.” So I began to sweep up the toys. As soon as I viciously began sweeping the toys into a pile she burst into tears. “I will pick them up, I will pick them up.” she cried. I guess she just didn’t think I’d do it. Hopefully this will only be a one time occurence. We’ll see.

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I picked up Emma’s ring today! I am so excited and enjoying getting used to the feel of it on my finger. Here are some pictures:

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I hope everyone is keeping cool. Man, is it hot! Elise and I took a quick trip this afternoon to just a couple stores. I don’t know if it was worth it. The car was really hot and never had time to get cool throughout the drive. The steering wheel was so hot I could hardly touch it. I think I will only go out in the morning from now on.

Anyway, here is what I really wanted to post:

God has filled our lives with blessings and he helped me walk this path with his gift of complete grace. He gave me the gift of Emma, and the gift of being able to hold her. During my labor with Emma, when I felt that I couldn’t go much longer, I felt that the Lord asked me if I wanted this baby. I said yes. He asked me if I wanted to hold this baby, and I said yes. When he asked me how long I was willing to wait for that to happen, I didn’t know. But what I did realize was that I could trust him to not take me farther than I was able to go. And he didn’t, not then and not now. He never asked me how long I wanted to hold her, just if I did. And though I would have never chosen such a short time, I realized what a gift it was once I joined the rank of mothers who had lost a child or more than one child. As I heard stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and babies that only lived on life support, stories from mothers who had never held their child while that child lived, I realize that I am blessed to have held Emma more times than I can count, even though it was fewer than most mothers. And as I heard stories of mothers that had to make life and death decisions for their children, I realized that I am blessed that my choices were always so clear. And as I heard stories of children who never came home from the hospital, I realized I am blessed that Emma was home so much of her life, and even had the comfort and peace of passing from this life in our home, just feet away from where she was born into it. And lastly, as I hear stories of mothers who go through all this without the gift of grace, I know that I am blessed to know a living God who walks through this so close to me that I hardly felt the difficulty of it.

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Well, this is going to be long. But I’d like to let you all know how our trip went. Friday, July 14 was Emma’s birthday. I hadn’t really anticipated it being too hard. My week had been going well, and I fooled myself into thinking that Friday would be the same as any other day and would take my effort to make it different. I was wrong. Sometimes grief takes on a life of its own and marks the days for you.

I awoke Friday morning from a dream about Elise, Emma, and me. It left me with the feeling that someone I loved or myself was going to die. I know that I should have no fear of death. But as I read not too long ago, fear is a feeling and can not be rationally explained away. And so that morning I felt it. I bawled as John held me, from fear, and from the feeling of missing Emma whom I can now only hold in dreams. As I started to calm down the Lord began to whisper to me. Three years ago he brought me to this same place. This place of realization that the lives of those I love and even my own life are only temporary. At that time he asked me to place into his hands those same lives, to trust him and accept gracefully his decision on those lives. It didn’t happen instantly, but I did make that decsion. That was three years ago. Elise was only 5 months old and Emma did not yet exist here on earth. When she was born, I was able to act out in faithfullness that promise I made to God. This Friday, God was asking me again: “Will you place your life and the lives of those you love in my hands?” I don’t know if I have ever done this really well with anyone other than Emma. And to tell you the truth his question scared me. “God,” I said. “Are you planning on taking another from me? I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m sorry Lord, but it seems to me that placing others in your hands leads to death.” I knew as soon as I said it that that wasn’t fair. Emma lives in heaven and I would never choose to lose one day of the seven months she lived here with us. At the end of it, I was able to at least admit my willingness to trust him in the same way I did with Emma, but I just don’t know if I am there yet. [...]

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Just so everyone knows and is not trying to track us down, we will be gone this weekend.  We leave Friday, which is Emma’s birthday and will get back Saturday night.  Elise is excited to go to that “cool new place.”  (We are visiting Silver Dollar City.)  I told her we are staying in a house that is shaped like an “A.”  We are looking for a “birthday box” for Emma while we are there.  I am also taking her partway done album with us so we can look at pictures Friday night.  We didn’t necessarily plan on being gone because it was Emma’s birthday, but the busy-ness may be a good thing and we will definitely be having fun as her birthday would have been had she been here to share it with us.  I’ll let everyone know how it goes as well as hopefully some great pictures.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.

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I realized tonight that I forgot to post the pictures I have been meaning to of Elise’s BIG GIRL Party.  This is a party that we gave Elise because we were all so excited that she completed her potty training (at least in the daytime).

Menu:

Ladybug Pizza

Ladybug Cake

 Ladybug Candy

Watermelon, Carrots, & Celery

Strawberry Lemonade

Entertainment:

Everyone had to dress up like ladybugs.  Then we opened presents and played one of Elise’s card games.  We all cracked up listening Tia sing silly songs to Elise because that is the book Elise picked for bedtime.  We had a great time.

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As I go through my days lately, my usual excitement with life is slightly dampered with a feeling of melancholy.  Emma sits heavy on my heart and mind.  Not that I’m not enjoying the holiday and the time off we’ve had with John, I just can’t seem to totally not think of her.  I think that part of it is the anticiaption of Emma’s birthday coming up.  A year ago today, we enjoyed the 4th of July with family and friends as I counted down the days to my due date.  I was very much pregnant, as I was due on the 8th.  Emma made her appearance on the 14th.

We went to the jewelry store yesterday and ordered a special ring for her.  I told John that was what I wanted for our anniversary this year (6 years on the 15th!).  I plan on wearing it all the time so that I can feel that I have something representing her with me at all times.  Unfortunately I was hoping to have it by her birthday, but it takes at least 4 weeks to come, so unless God speeds it along, it won’t be here in time.  That’s OK, though.

I was sobbing last night as I read a book to myself: Mommy, Please Don’t Cry.  It is a book about our children in heaven and always brings tears to my eyes at the very least.  This time, I sobbed.  I prayed and poured out my broken heart to God.  I just miss her so much.  I’m happy for her in heaven, but my arms so long to hold her.  God gave me a picture of comfort.  I just imagined Emma and the Father having their own little private conversations while they planned for all of our homecomings.  It was as if he said to me:  “Miriam, beloved, the time of your coming is set in my book.  Emma and I have it all planned, and she is so excited.”  I can just imagine her excitement as she plans such a homecoming for me.  Perhaps she is learning a dance to dance with Elise and the angels for when Elise comes.

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with Elise lately about heaven and death.  Sometimes she is in a hurry to get to heaven.  I finally told her that though it is up to Jesus, I hope that she doesn’t go for a long time.  “I would be really sad,” I told her, “if both my little girls were in heaven.  I would miss you so much.”  I am glad that she thinks it is such a wonderful place.  She definitely looks forward to that day.  I think what she doesn’t understand is that we may not all go together, which is what I was trying to explain to her.  Oh, well.  Her excitement is good and I am glad that she loves her sister so much, and trusts God so much.

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