And Then There Was Joy.

Elise is still desperately hoping for another baby, but she is also remembering Emma more lately as well.  She actually picks out for one of her nap time books the one about heaven.  I was half asleep beside her the other day, but heard her “reading” aloud.  We were at a friend’s house today and she was talking about their baby on the way home.  She asked me, “Is their baby going to go to heaven?”  I tried to explain to her that most people don’t go to heaven until they are very old, but only God really knows when for each person.  We had been watching Finding Nemo, in which the mother fish dies in the first few minutes.  She started questioning me if I was going to die.  I wasn’t sure what to tell her.  I think it is best to be truthful in these instances and don’t make promises I don’t know if I can keep, so I just told her that I didn’t think so, and again told her that most people go to heaven when they are very old.  “Are you very old, Mommy,” she asked.

Since the appointment in Little Rock I have been having more memories of Emma myself.  Very real memories come back to me and I have even began to dream of Emma again.  In one dream she was older and could pull herself up and reach for things, and she was terribly cute.  In another dream we were on vacation somewhere and she was with us.  I was carrying her around with oxygen and mask to keep her from getting sick.  In that dream I eventually realized it was a dream and hugged her close and just told her how much I wanted her back.  It is nice that in both dreams the feeling of her in my arms was very real.  Oh, how I do want her back.  This latest saying good-bye to her just reminds me how much I am saying good-bye to.  It is interesting to wonder if I will always feel that there is someone missing in our family.  Since I have been able to more completely separate any other children in our future from Emma, I now miss her more.

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OK, here is the update from the cardiologist appointment today. There is so much information to share I don’t know if I can get it all down at once or not, but I will try. Let me start with the basics:

We got to Little Rock an hour and a half early for the appointment so we ate lunch at the hospital cafeteria. As soon as I started down the hall to the cafeteria I was hit with the familiar food odors. I think at any time I could have sat down and bawled, but I tried not to concentrate on it. We ate and then headed back to check in at 1:30. They didn’t have us on record in the system, so they called the nurse and she came right out and told us the doctor would see us in his office. It was nice of him to think of how hard it might be to come back to the clinic. We met him on the way to his office and he sat down with us right away. He had Emma’s picture I had sent him on his desk, which meant a lot to me. So then we got down to the questions I had. [...]

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Good news!  John’s office building is now under contract with a closing date of July 21.  Thank you all for praying.  This will be a great relief to John stresswise and also financially.

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I am finding that the anticipation of our visit with the cardiologist next week is affecting me.  I am missing Emma in a much more real way.  It is like stepping back into her world for just a bit and that is hard.  I sat down for a little yesterday and wondered how it would be.  What would bring tears to my eyes?  Will seeing the doctors face?  Will seeing the other children in the waiting room, many of them on oxygen, do so?  What will I say if some friendly parent decides to ask me why we are there?  Will I feel lost in the hospital without Emma, or will it still feel like the second home it was for me for so long?  Don’t get me wrong, I am not really dreading it, but just viewing it with a bit of nervousness.  I don’t want to dwell on it too much, but I do want to be prepared as it is going to be hard and I am just beginning to glimpse maybe how hard.  Please keep us in your prayers on Thursday.  The appointment is at 2:00.

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I was struck and humbled the other day as the Lord revealed to me how illogical and messed up my thinking can be.  I would like to share with you the revelation that I came away with.  I was out in the country visiting friends and was voicing my opinion that living in the country is just so wonderful.  It is so peaceful and so laid back.  I have this desire to live there and hope that my life will just be perfect once I get out there.  Later that day as I read my devotions I was reading the fruit of the Spirit.  I began praying through each one, trying to guage where I was at in displaying each fruit.  I got to “peace.”  Peace made me think of contenment and also what I had said before.  I suddenly realized that what I am truly desiring is not a life in the country, but a life that is centered on God.  A life that is ordered and peaceful and yet laid back.  That does not depend on where I am physically, but where I am spiritually.  I felt so silly that I felt I had to wait to live that life until we move.  I can hope and strive for that right here where I am.

Another thing the Lord has been teaching me lately concerns how I remember Emma.  When Emma was alive she consumed most of my waking thoughts.  I had a hard time thinking about or making decisions about anything else.  I could justify that then, but have realized that even now that she is gone, I am struggling with that same problem off and on.  Though I know I need those times of reflection, I must not allow Emma to steal from my husband and Elise the time and attention they need.  While reading a book on helping children through grief (Take my Hand by Sharon Marshall), I came across the instruction to be honest in your memories of the deceased.  Don’t make them into something that they’re not.  I found that I do that sometimes.  It is easy to make Emma out to be a saint.  Though she is very special, I must guard against ever acting or believing that she is more special than Elise.  How damaging could that be to her if she began to think that way.  Any credit that goes to the power that Emma’s life and death have goes to God, not Emma.  Though I think in the back of my head I knew this, I hadn’t been living and remembering Emma as if that were true.

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We were scheduled for an appointment June 22 with Emma’s cardiologist.  Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers that day.  John will be getting off work so that we both can go down together.  Basically I am just asking some questions that are still circlating in my mind since Emma died.  I don’t know that I will get any answers, but I will feel better just asking them.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

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I know you all enjoyed reading one of my conversations with Elise. Here is another one that I hope you enjoy. This occurred just a few days ago and as you will see, part of it really tugged at my heart. To understand the context of this “discussion” you will need to know that Elise spent part of her afternoon with a 7 month old baby and then also with an 8 month pregnant lady. On our way home in the car she brought up babies again:

Elise: “Maybe someday we could have another baby.”

Mommy: “You would really like a baby, wouldn’t you? I would like that too.”

Elise: “Maybe we could keep it for a long time.”

Mommy: “You mean longer than we had Emma?”

Elise: “Yeah. We could take it to Grandma’s house and show it to Grandma and Pop. And we could take it to Nana’s house and show it to Nana and Pop.” (I wonder if she doesn’t remember Emma ever being at Nana or Grandma’s house?)

Mommy: “Yes, I’m sure they would like that.”

The conversation went on for awhile. Elise decided that the way babies come is that Jesus has to put the baby in Mommy’s tummy. I decided that that had enough truth in it for it to be a good enough explanation for her. Then we started talking about crying:

Elise: “I am a big girl, but sometimes I cry a little bit.”

Mommy: “Sometimes I cry too.”

Elise: “Yeah, you cry when a baby goes to heaven.”

Mommy: “Yes, that does make me sad.”

Elise: “Maybe if we have another baby you will cry when it goes to heaven.” (This prompted some discussion on how we hoped that the baby would not go to heaven for a long time, but that everyone eventually goes to heaven when God decides it is time. For some that is a short time like Emma, for others a long time like Elise’s great-grandpa)

Elise: “Where is heaven?” (That being the first time she has asked that question, I wasn’t sure how to answer.)

Mommy: “Heaven is a long way away, and we can’t see it.”

Elise: “Are there animals in heaven?”

Mommy: “I think so. But you know all the animals in heaven are good animals. None of them are mean.”

Elise: “Are there snakes in heaven?”

Mommy: “Probably, but they don’t bite. You can’t hold snakes here because sometimes they bite, but in heaven they don’t bite.”

Elise found this concept interesting and we discussed this until we got home.

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I am doing pretty well right now, but still very very sad. We are also feeling a bit stressed still with John’s building not selling and are still begging for prayers regarding this.

I called Emma’s cardiologist office today. I had planned to do this several weeks ago to set up an appointment with him to ask all of my remaining questions regarding Emma’s condition. It was actually hard for me to finally pick up the phone and make the call. I did today. I didn’t fall apart on the phone, though it was hard as I had to explain the situation in order to get an appointment. They are supposed to get with the doctor and call with something that will work with him. He was the one that offered to give us a consultation, so I am sure he is willing. I really want to do this, but am scared as I know I will probably fall apart at the sight of him. I’m not angry with him and actually feel like we have a good relationship, I just know it will bring back many feelings and memories.

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We had a fun trip to the zoo, although several of us came back with headaches and sunburns due to the heat and sun.  Thankfully the kids seemed fine.  I was smart and put sunblock on Elise, but then I didn’t on myself (don’t ask me why).

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I just wanted to share that I am doing better with spending the time I need with God.  I need to do better on expanding the time so that I really take the time to share my feeling with him because I think that is what I need.  But at least I have the base now, I am back into my Bible study book and that encourages me to do it every day so that I don’t get behind.  Please feel free to keep me accountable to this.  It is important even in the good times and more so in these times of grief.  You know it is hard to say that I am greiving sometimes, because I don’t always feel like I am.  I have a lot of joy in my life.  I am thankful that my greif is not darker than it is.  I am glad that I can laugh and smile and enjoy life as well as cry and remember and miss Emma.  I know she is rejoicing, so she will not begrudge me my joy.

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