And Then There Was Joy.

I realized tonight that the last time I posted was fairly depressing, so I just wanted to let everyone know that we are doing much better.  The waves of sadness hit hard when they do hit, but don’t last long.  It seems like the sadness, when it is there, is much deeper than it was before.

John and I enjoyed a weekend away in Tulsa.  We spent most of our time, relaxing and shopping.  On the 22nd, which marked 2 months since Emma’s death, I was hit with another wave of sadness.  Oddly  though, I did not even think of the significance of the day at the time.  John and I were sitting outside at a resteraunt, enjoying good food and beautiful weather, when I suddenly felt very sad.  If I hadn’t been in a public place I think I would have bawled.  We walked along the river afterwards and I was able to share how I felt with John, who  could also share that it happens in waves like that for him as well.  We didn’t last long on the subject, instead talked about Elise, our plans, and other misc. stuff.  It was a very good time for us.

Last night I had some anxiety that I dealt with that kept me up into the night.  I hope this will not be a reoccuring thing, so pray that it won’t.  It was one of those times when I felt that there may be evil in my house.  The Lord brought me the much needed peace to sleep, and I felt better.  I just don’t feel that I am strong enough right now to fight a spiritual battle, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised if the Evil One is lying in wait for me.  All I can do is rely on God’s strength as I have none of my own.

Elise’s scar is healing nicely.  She got her stitches out on Friday.  She has been having some trouble with overall irritability.  I am not sure if there is an underlying cause to this or if she is just dealing with normal 3 year old stuff.  Pray for patience and wisdom for John and I as it would be much easier to just let her go her own way right now and I know that isn’t right.

Thanks, as always, for your prayers.

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I dreamed of Emma last night for the first time in awhile.  For the first few days after her death I dreamed of her every night.  So needless to say, I was a very sad this morning.  In my dream she was not in heaven, rather I had seemingly deserted her to someone else to take care of.  When I walked into this “nursery,” and finally held her in my arms she gave me the most beautiful smile, as if to say, “I know you.”  Then she frowned at me as if to say, “How could you leave me here so long?”  But her frown only lasted a few moments and her face broke into a smile again.  All I could do was hug her and cry and tell her I was sorry.  I know that it has nothing to do with the facts of where Emma is, but it left me incredibly sad and feeling so empty.  When I cried out my heart to God this morning I was sad because I wanted her back, and because I was worried that I would never get to hold her as a baby again even in heaven.  A few nights ago I had gone and sat on my rocking chair in my now very empty nursery and hugged close the blanket Emma sometimes laid on.  It was the last thing to touch her that I have and I just held it and cried.  But in a way I can’t even fully describe, God let me hold her.  It was as if I could feel the weight of her in that blanket and God’s arms around me holding us both.  For those few moments I held her close and cried and savored the feeling.  I don’t know if I will ever feel that again, but it was a precious gift from Him.  I want her back so much right now.  To see her smile, to touch her face, to hold her close.  [...]

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Well, I had an interesting afternoon today.  Elise was in bed for a nap, but not sleeping, rather playing in bed.  I heard a thump and crying so I headed down to give her a hug as I figured she had just fallen out of bed.  When I got to her room, she was climbing back into bed, but her face was just covered in blood.  My heart skipped a beat, but I grabbed her up and ran to the kitchen.  I grabbed a rag and began trying to discover the source of the bleeding.  She had split open her forehead.  It was pretty deep and looked like it would need stitches, so I called my Mom to come get me as I don’t have a car when John is at work.  She was the only person I could think of in my state of mind that didn’t have kids they’d have to pack along with them.  As it turned out my brother, Ben, called just after Mom hung up with me and was still in town, so she sent him instead.  That was a lot quicker and I actually don’t know that my Mom had a car at home either.  We went to the clinic and had to wait awhile but Elise was very brave even though she got 4 stitches.  When she first knew that we were going to the doctor she asked if she was going to have to get a shot.  I promised her she wouldn’t (which I then regretted as she did need a shot before the stitching to numb the skin).  Then she told me she needed a bandaid.  Even when I assured her she would probably get one at the Dr.’s office she said she wanted one of hers.  Thankfully they had a really pretty one there.  She impressed me with her courage even when I told her I was wrong and that they would have to give her a shot so she wouldn’t hurt when they gave her stitches.  I told her if she layed still it would go faster.  They wrapped her up so she couldn’t move her arms, but I think she would have been fine without it as she didn’t move a bit even when he was numbing it.  Now that it is over, I am kind of shaky, but Elise is thrilled.  She got a pretty band-aid, two prizes, and a certificate of bravery good for a taco and cinnamon twists at Taco Bell.  We also rented a couple of movies.  She called several people and told them the whole exciting story.  I think it was good for her to be the one at the doctor’s office for once rather than Emma.

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I thought everyone would be glad to know that my Easter was wonderful.  John, Elise, and I took some flowers to Emma’s grave before church.  That morning I had been thinking how wonderful Easter must be in heaven with all the angels singing praises.  I mentioned this to Elise and told her that Emma was probably dancing with the angels.  She liked that idea so much she said she wanted to dance with her.  She was really sad that she couldn’t.  In church, she was not very polite or talkative to anyone, and I kept making the excuse that she was tired.  But I wonder if she also was sad.

After church we (all the Millers, including the visiting ones, the Leins, and the Garmans) all celebrated at Natural Falls State Park.  It was a little warm, but a beautiful day.  Elise loved the Easter Egg Hunt.  I think that was her favorite part of the day, either that or finding out that the eggs had candy in them.  There was a little stuffed bunny hid for her as well, and when she caught sight of it she thought it was a real “aminal.”  It took some coaxing before she picked it up and discovered it was just a stuffed animal.  But she still held it up and exclaimed that she had found an “aminal.”

The Saturday before Easter we went on a mushroom hunt (a Miller family tradition).  This year we set the record, finding about 80 Morel mushrooms (most years we find 0-10).  Elise found the biggest one we’ve ever found-9 in. tall.

These are the family members graduating this year:  Liza (my sister), Ben (my brother),and Megan (John’s sister)

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“Elise, on Easter Sunday we are going to get up really early and get dressed, you get to wear your dancing skirt and maybe we can curl our hair.”

“Are we going to dance?”

“Yes, we can dance.  Then we are going to the cemetery and put pretty flowers on Emma’s grave for Emma.”

“But Emma is in heaven.”

“Yes, I know.  We can’t give them to Emma, but we can put them on her grave where her old body is.  Maybe God will let her see them.”

“Us?”

“No, we can’t see her.  That is why we are sad.  You know Mommy would like to have her with us, but she is very happy in heaven.”

“She is with Jesus.”

“That’s right.  And Jesus is taking good care of her.”

“Emma is never coming back.”

“You are right, and that is why Mommy is sad even though Emma is so happy.”

“But we will get a new baby.  This time we will have a baby boy.”

“Why do you want a baby boy?”

“I just do.  Maybe we can have two baby boys.”

“Elise, you know even if we do have more babies, Mommy will still miss Emma.”

“Well, if you have a baby you will be happy.”

“Yes, honey, I will be happy, but I may also cry because that baby wouldn’t be Emma and it might remind me of Emma.  But I would be happy too.”

“That’s OK.  Well, you can have a girl baby and a boy baby.”

“Now you know that it is up to God whether we have a boy or girl baby.  God decides.  He might not give us any more babies, or he might give us a boy or he might give us a girl.”

“Yeah, because he’s the boss.”

“That’s right.”

“Well, I think that we should have two boys and two girls.”

“Elise that is up to God.”

“Well, God said that yes, we can have them.”

“You have to ask him Elise.”

“OK, maybe we can have 3 babies.”

“All at once, or one at a time?”

“One at a time, but 3 babies.”

“OK, well you talk to God about that.”

“Alright, Jesus is in our house.”

“That’s right, so you can talk to Him about that.”

Well, there you have it.

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I just had to get on and write today as something wonderful happened.  I came home this afternoon from a long day of testing homeschoolers with my Mom and saw a small package in my mailbox.  Instantly I thought of my greatly anticipated bracelet.  I waited to open the package until the other mail was opened and sorted only to discover that it wasn’t the bracelet after all.  But as a beautiful silver necklace bearing both Emma’s and Elise’s names fell into my hand and I read the words written on the card I felt that perhaps this was what God gave me instead for Easter.  The gift was anonymous and the words just said that someone had felt strongly to make this for me.  I know it is likely that whoever gave me this gift will also read these words so I want to say thank you.  I cried when I read the note, as it seemed to say that it was God working in others’ hearts to give me just a little of the desires in mine.  Thank you so much!  I will wear it Easter Sunday.  In fact I am wearing it now and don’t know if I will take it off before then. :)

Last night I had decided what my next topic to write about on here would be–selfishness.  I read in one of my grief books how grief is selfish.  And my initial reaction was, I wouldn’t classify it as that.  But you know, it is.  We grieve because we miss our loved ones, not because we are sad for them.  I don’t think that is necessarily wrong, but I realized last night that I am selfish in another way.  I am so engrossed in my own story that I have a hard time sympathizing with others. Don’t worry, I know many of you are thinking that I am giving myself too hard of a time and I am not.  I realize that this is probably a normal stage of greif, but being aware of it is good, because I definitely don’t want to stay here.  I want to really be able to be involved in other’s grief.  To really feel their pain in the core of my being.  You may wonder why I would want that, and I think it is because I have seen how others have really shared my pain–some of you who share it because you have suffered the loss of a child, others who share it just because you are close enough to us to hurt for us.  I appreciate that.  I want to be that person for someone else too.  I want to live life to the fullest and I think that means sharing pain as well as sharing joy.

Enjoy a couple pictures of Elise, my “skinny minnie.”

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I am excited about Easter coming. I am actually surprised that I can write that as I am also anticipating a very hard time that day. I was planning (whether a realistic expectation or not I am not sure) that Emma would be joining us in church Easter Sunday. Even if I had to order little masks for her to wear I was pretty sure I could make it work. She was going to have a little dress out of the same fabric as Elise’s Easter skirt. (By the way if you notice Elise’s skirt, I made it for her because she loves one of my peasant skirts and always asks me to dance when I am wearing it. So I decided to make her a “dancing skirt” too.) Anyway, if I allow myself to think of Emma that day, I will definitely be feeling the emptiness in my arms. I was so excited about all of our church family getting to see her again.

I was wondering if I should allow myself to think of Emma that day, and realized that I want to really experience the day in all of its tears and joy. The meaning of Easter seems so much more real to me this year. When I think of Christ dying on the cross I know that it was for Emma that He died. Emma has a cross on her grave right now and I told Elise what the meaning of it was. Her reply was “This is the best cross, ever.” Though her remark was meant for the attractive cross that tops Emma’s grave, I can look at Jesus’ cross and say the same thing. “This is the best cross ever.” Doesn’t it seem strange that we can say that for something that caused so much pain. Yes, suffering for the sake of suffering yields nothing but pain. But suffering for the sake of something better, for life, yields hope and joy immeasurable. I can understand this just a bit better this year.

This is something very small, but for me it has enough importance to warrant prayer. I ordered a memory bracelet for Emma for me to wear. I have planned on wearing it for Easter, especially as we are getting family pictures that day and wanted something in the pictures to represent Emma. So I am hoping and praying that it will arrive in the mail in time. It may be hard to tell from reading the posts, but I have seen so many answered prayers from things I write down here, even things that seem so little.

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Thank you all for praying.  I have been doing a bit better lately, but sometimes I wonder if it is because I seriously am progressing, or if I am just repressing things.  I do know that God did give me some good thoughts that helped to counteract the feelings of guilt.  I just took a different perspective on the issue.  I thought of my life and how I trust God with it.  I truly believe that He knows and is in control of the number of my days.  Even if I were murdered, I would believe that the Lord’s protection was still over me and that He is the one that gives and takes away life.  If I can be so sure in my own life, I should also accept the same for Emma.  His protection never left her, and it was not in my hands whether she lived or died.

John and I had a great Saturday away.  Thank you to Mothering Matters.  We were able to have a meal unlike most eat-out meals we usually take, and the show was wonderful.  (We saw Riverdance.)  We were in the first row behind the orchestra pit and could see the dancers and musicians facial expressions and everything.  It was a fun show to watch.

We heard from our realtor and she said most of the comments from the other realtors were positive.  Actually the only negative ones involved the fact that it wasn’t completely finished.

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