And Then There Was Joy.

It was very special for John and I to see how full the church was for Emma’s memorial service.  It was a beautiful service and a good testimony to the joy and grace of God.  Thank you all for your support.

I talked to Emma’s cardiologist on Friday.  It was special to me that he called me personally and he talked with me for about 15 minutes.  He said that he saw no reason why Emma’s heart conditions would have caused her to have such a sudden ceasing in breathing.  He pointed to either the fact that flu may have just been to hard for her to fight or that something happened in her brain stem (where we already knew she had some damage) that caused her to have an apnea spell.  He was very shocked and very kind in his condolences.  He offered to let us sit down and talk with him later if we needed to.

Thanks to all of your prayers, John and I have been sleeping quite soundly.  I was feeling a bit overwhelmed yesterday and can feel that I have a lot more greiving to do that my body seems to have just put off.  I am exhausted, but was told that this is normal for grief.  Elise is doing well, asks every once in awhile about Emma.  I am sure she just thinks she is at the hospital or something and will soon be expecting her return.

Thanks again for all your support.

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I have just finished reading the many comments and emails that I have received from many of you. I can not even begin to express my thanks for the prayers and support that you all have surrounded our family with. It has been an amazing testimony of God to me.

Here are some specific prayer requests that may help you in your prayers for us. (I know I don’t even have to ask for prayer anymore, you would give it anyway.)

-pray for Elise, that she would have understanding. She seems to accept easily that Emma is rejoicing (and crawling, as this is something Elise always wished for her) in heaven. Right now she is more questioning me about my sadness. I have tried to prepare her that there will still be many tears, and explained to her why I am sad. I have learned from her cues how to talk to her about this. One way was to talk about Emma’s new body and when she said she wanted to go see Emma crawling I had a very clear example to use for her why I am sad. I told that we don’t get to see Emma right now even though she is so happy and that is why it is sad for us.  Added note:  Elise’s greatest fear right now seems to be that I will be leaving too.  I can see why this would be as for the last 5 months, where Emma went Mommy went.  She is responding well to my reassurance, but continue to pray for this.

-pray for John. He wanted it to be said that Emma’s memorial services are a time of celebration more than they are of sorrow. He is starting a job next week so I am sure he would appreciate prayer during this time of transition and the sorrow that is robbing him of the excitement of this new job.

-pray for me. My hardest thing right now will be getting enough sleep. For one thing my body is used to waking to care for Emma, but also this stress I am feeling is just a bit similar to postpartum depression and I know that the hardest physical thing I dealt with was actually turning my mind off to go to sleep. During the day I have kept so busy and am around so much family that I have been able to laugh and even talk of Emma without tears. After dark the hollowness begins to creep back into my soul. Also I think the hardest time for me will be after the services and the bustle of family visiting has passed. It will hit me hardest when it is time to go back to “normal.” I don’t know what that is for me anymore. I have lost a huge part of my purpose and even my “work” for each day.

-pray for grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even great-grandparents. They as well as all of you are sharing deeply in this grief with us. Emma’s life was special in that even though she did not personally spend a lot of time with you many of you have shared that you felt as if you knew her well. Not only have I lost a daughter, but many have lost a neice, grand-daughter, and friend.

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There will be visitation hours for Emma on Sunday, February 26 from 3:00-4:00pm at Wasson Funeral Home in Siloam Springs.  The graveside service will be held for family members only at 2:00pm Monday, February 27.  There will be a memorial service at Siloam Springs Bible Church at 6:00 Monday evening.  This and the visitation are to be times of celebration of the wonderful blessing Emma Anne was to us, her family and the whole church body.  Please come to share with us in our sorrow and our joy.  Arrangements are being handled by Wasson Funeral Home.

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This morning we said good-bye to Emma.  I never seriously thought we would have to do this, and I haven’t completely wrapped my mind around it, but I do feel God’s peace right now.  I was able to experience her life in a way that I have not experienced anyone else’s.  God held her close and allowed me to just hold her hand.  We strongly feel that she knows the Lord by sight, and that when she saw His face she smiled the biggest smile she has ever had.  And though my hand feels painfully empty right now, I know she is experiencing the joys of a perfect body and I couldn’t ask her to come back to the one she had here.

I know some people will want to know the details, but others may not.  So if you don’t wish to read about it skip the next paragraph.
Last night Emma was fussy, yet at times she looked so content and happy to be home from the hospital.  She was kicking her legs and giving us just a hint of a smile.  She woke up several times when she was supposed to be napping, but after her 8:30 feed fell sound asleep.  She cried and moved around some during her 12:00am feed, but didn’t actually completely wake up.  She seemed to be in no distress other than reflux problems, so I left her hooked up to her G-tube and went to bed.  I was so exhausted that I slept without waking until 6:30 this morning.  I went in to feed her and began repositioning her for her feed as she had scooted down in the bed, something she often does in the night.  As I was moving her I was struck that she has never slept so soundly as she didn’t move at all.  I went to empty her g-tube to prepare for her feed and noticed blood in the tube (this happened on Friday as well).  Upon closer examination I saw what appeared to be blood around her mouth so I went to turn on the light.  I seriously thought I saw her breathing before that point, but I am not sure.  When I returned to her crib from turning on the light I realized her chest was not moving.  I called John and told him to call 911.  I scooped her up and quickly recalled what I knew about CPR and began breathing for her.  Then I listened for a heart beat and felt and heard absolutely nothing.  I continued to do CPR for the few minutes before the ambulance and paramedics arrived.  They took her and asked a few questions and then took her to the ambulance.  It took them a few minutes to head to the hospital, so I think they were placing the vent tube at that point.  Upon arriving at the hospital the paramedic came to ask a few more clarifying questions and then told us that she was on the ventilator, but they hadn’t been able to start her heart yet.  An excruciatingly long wait later the doctor entered and told us he did not have good news for us.  He had not had any response whatsoever from her heart or her nerves.  She appeared to have possibly had a seizure, but they were not sure.  During the wait I went from the assurance that God could save her and the hope that He would to the sudden feeling that God had whispered that she was gone.

I know that He prepared us for this in the best possible way and that He will be there for this greiving process.  I have never greived a death before, so pray for us through this time.  I know in my heart that this happened in the best possible way, but I am still going through the many “what if’s.”  I feel very numb right now.  Also please pray as John and I are just about to go out to my parents and sit and talk with Elise.  I know 3-year-olds are very acceptive of death, but please pray we will have the words to say to her.  John and I will be at my parents today, please feel free to call.  Right now I am feeling like talking, but if that changes I will be sure to say so.  I will post details later about memorial service, etc.

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A couple bites of wisdom from a 3-year-old genius:

Elise was sent to ask Pop for something in the morning at Mema’s house. Pop was still in bed, so he asked Elise, “Isn’t there anybody else up?” Elise replied in perfectly good 3-year-old logic, “Yes, two bodies.” (referring to Mema and Mandie).

Later Elise came up with a great idea. She had found some uniquely shaped puzzle pieces and told Mema she had an idea. She wanted to trace around the pieces and then make pictures out of the shapes. Mema told Elise that that was a pretty good idea. “You must have a really smart head to come up with an idea like that.” Elise replied, “Yes, and my neck can talk.” With more questioning Mema discovered she was referring to the vibration that she could feel as she talked. I assume she figured that out herself? Who knows. She is quite imaginative.  The other day she had me open up the front door to let in the “prince” so she could dance with him.

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Hello all, I am now home with Emma from the hospital.  As you saw from John’s updates, Emma came down with the flu.  I’m not exactly sure where she got it, but it could have even been in the Little Rock ICU last time we were there.  They are careful, but there are always a lot of germs floating around in a hospital.  Or John, Elise, or I could have brought the germs home to her.  She had just got her flu shot Wednesday, but becuase of the incubation time of the flu, she must have already had it at that point.  So her fever Wednesday night was due to that and not just the shots.  We actually tried to come home on Saturday, were discharged and drove home, but by the time I got home Emma was having another spell and bluish-grey tinged.  We ended up going back through the ER, but they admitted her directly into the same room we had and we waited until today to try to come home again.  Emma is still sick, but seems to be improving.  Whereas yesterday her breathing seemed quite labored, she is breathing much easier today.  She has a sore throat that is making her quite miserable though, so pray for that (and for me as I am very tired).  Usually the hospital is a good relaxing time for me, but this time, though I did relax a lot, I was up quite a bit in the night and trying to quiet Emma many times.  She is having trouble going to sleep and staying asleep.  She seems very uncomfortable quite a bit of the time.  It is hard to watch her go through this.  This is one thing I would gladly have done for her.  Because of her sore throat she is not sucking on her pacifier, so that may be one reason she is fighting sleep so much. [...]

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Emma tested positive for “flu strain A”, so that would explain her dehydration, deep congestion, and fever. The doctors don’t seem too worried, but they want to keep an eye on her for a while. So she and Miriam will be staying in the Siloam ICU for today, and probably at least overnight.

Elise is over at the Miller grandparents at the moment, and really hoping for snow this weekend.

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Just a couple of minutes ago Miriam got up to feed Emma, and found her paler than normal, breathing with difficulty, and very congested.  She wasn’t panicking, but we couldn’t get anything out of her nose, and she wasn’t doing any better, so they just left for the Siloam Emergency Room to get her oxygen checked, etc.

Miriam has been worried about her hydration level as well – since the long night of fever a couple nights ago she hasn’t been peeing much at all, though she’s still getting plenty of milk.  Of course, her milk is pretty thick to help with her feeding problems.

Please keep Emma in your prayers.  I’ll update again when I know more.

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As the last post said, Emma got her immunizations yesterday as well as the flu shot. Last night about 2:00 she woke us up and was working into a spell. It turned out to be a bad one. At first we thought it was due to congestion as she was pretty congested, but then I took her temperature. She had a fever that went all the way up to 104.9. We were able to bring it down with tylenol (which I had already been giving her) and ibuprofen, undressing her, and bathing with a wet rag. She stayed in bed with us for quite a bit of the night. It took her about an hour and a half to come out of the episode and most of the rest of the night to feel well enough to sleep. Needless to say, I will be trying to get some sleep today. Emma still has a fever this morning, but not nearly as high (102.1 at last check). Oddly she has these dark red (almost bloody) looking patches on the sides of her tongue. I think she must have been biting her tongue during the spell last night, but if these rings a bell with anyone knowing it is something else, let me know. I have called the doctor and left a message just to let them know what happened and to see if they wanted to do anything else about it.

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Emma had a well check today with our family doctor here in town. She weighed 14 lbs. 2.5 oz. That puts her in the 10th percentile (which is great for someone who hasn’t even been in a percentile for several months. She is 25 in. long. Her weight gain over the past month has been at the rate of about 1 1/3 oz. a day. That is a lot, so I guess she is definitely concentrating on growing and dropping a night feeding hasn’t affected her. [...]

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