Miriam's Life

I was thinking the other day how overwhelmed I’ve been lately and I suddenly realized that I may be just a little overworked. Here’s what it would look like if I tried to hire someone to be me.

Needed:Someone of diverse talents and interests to fill full-time position of household management. Needs to be emotionally balanced, patient, self-motivated, and cheerful. Responsibilities include, but are not limited to the following:

Childcare
-will be required to tend to the daily needs of three children, ages 6, 2, and 1.
-will be in charge of discipline for disobedience, and training towards better behavior.
-time spent in prayer for the children is strongly encouraged.

General housework
-Washing, drying, folding, and putting away laundry for all household members.
-Overseeing and helping the children clean up the family room at least once a day.
-Picking up around the house to present a tidy appearance.
-Sweeping and cleaning the dining room, preferably after each meal.
-Cleaning dishes as needed. Dishwasher provided.

Cooking
-Planning meals for each day
-Grocery shopping for the ingredients for these meals
-Preparing and serving three meals a day
-Making sure there are healthy snacks available for the children

Educating
-Leading one half hour of preschool with a 2 year old, concentrating mainly on verbal development.
-Leading 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day of organized schooling for a 1st grader, teaching science, reading, math, literature, geography, history, and art.
-Using moments throughout the day to teach children important values and facts.

Secretarial and Financial Work
-You will be in charge of household finances, making sure the budget is updated and balanced, bills are paid on time, and records are kept.
-Along with that you will also be required to manage finances for our small business.
-You are also being hired as the manager of our retail store, which will require dealing with customer service issues, managing employee time and duties, working several hours a month at the store, and doing research as needed to improve the store.

Creativity
-Developing new products for the retail store
-Overseeing sewers of the products
-Strongly encouraged to develop talents in this area as well.

Self-improvement
-In order to be a well-balanced individual who can handle this high stress position, we strongly encourage daily exercise and Bible study.
-Participation in weekly or monthly groups or Bible studies is optional, but will be highly benificial to your continued growth in these areas.

Hours/misc notes
Hours will be at least 7am – 8pm each day. Breaks can be taken as responsibilities permit. Sleeping here will be required as there are times outside of those hours that you will be needed. Overtime (work outside of that time) is very likely if responsibilities are not completed during that time. No financial compensation is offered at this time.

Anyway, after looking that over, I don’t think I would accept a job like that, except that it is my passion. But even if you are passionate about what you do, too much of it will still wear you out. I am working at re-organizing some responsibilities so that my store employees can take care of much of what I have been doing. But looking at it like this helps me realize that I shouldn’t feel bad about being exhausted by the end of the day. And yes, overtime, normally does occur. I am starting to take steps to reduce my workload right now, to reorganize responsibilities so that they get done in the most efficient use of time, and to relax when I just need an afternoon off from the schedule. Pray for us as we continue to learn how to run a business without harming our family life.

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In November, Seth turned one! Shortly after his birthday he decided that walking was something he wanted to do and within a few weeks he worked on it until he now walks all over the place. Every day he seems to get less wobbly and more steady. He is now adding climbing to his repertoire.

We took him in for his one year well-child for a routine check and measurements in early December. He weighed 20 lbs 2 oz and was 28 inches tall. His weight is still in the 10th percentile, so we are happy with his consistency there. His height is no longer on the top of the chart, but closer to 50th percentile, but the doctor said height will often fluctuate as they grow and is not as consistent as the weight curve.

I had scheduled his appointment for nap-time, which might have been a problem. But as it turns out, it meant that he was pretty subdued and was very quiet and still during his exam. As the doctor listened to his heart, I waited for what he might say about his heart murmur. It turns out it is still there and hasn’t changed much. This is not cause for alarm since it still could be a normal heart murmur and not a sign of a problem, but I was hoping it would have started to fade by now.

Now, what I forgot to mention was that right before I made the appointment, we received an unexpected call from the Children’s Hospital. They hadn’t forgotten about us after all. The scheduling nurse had just been working extra hard to make sure we got to see Emma’s cardiologist, which she knew was important to us. She informed me that the boys both have appointments with him in June at the hospital in Little Rock. But she also let me know that they were hoping to see them earlier in January at the Lowell clinic if the cardiologist can make it this time. Those appointments are on the 27th. When I mentioned that we were no longer sure we wanted the appointments because both boys were doing fine and we didn’t want to pay for the echocardiograms, she replied that she had spoken directly to the cardiologist about this. He had said that he saw no need for the echocardiograms unless we felt a need for them. He is prepared to just listen to them. He thinks he can tell everything he needs just from that. After getting an estimate on the actual appointment cost with him, I told her I’d let her know what we decided.

So, after talking things over with our family practitioner, who still strongly encouraged us to get both boys checked, I went home and talked it over with John. We decided that the appointment costs were well worth it to get a second opinion from the cardiologist. We will be keeping our appointments. So now the question is just whether the weather will be OK for the doctor to fly up for the Lowell clinic in January, of if we have to wait until June.

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I awoke from a dream-filled sleep this morning to the loud sounds of John’s coffee grinder accompanied by the cries of Will.  I headed up the stairs as Will headed down, obviously scared by the loud sound he had produced by pushing buttons he shouldn’t have been pushing.  We walked upstairs together to turn off the machine and it became obvious that Will had apparently been trying to make coffee.  A whole bag of ground coffee was spread over the floor along with a whole container of creamer.  “Oh no,” I thought, “Is this day merely an extension of yesterday?”

You see, yesterday was one of those days that I wonder how in the world I would survive if God had decided to give me twins.  Will had a friend over yesterday and those two just about drove me crazy.  Will and Seth have been starting to act like a team now and then to get into trouble, but Will found the range of trouble he could get into was enlarged by having someone his age to work with.

The afternoon started out just fine.  But I realized that when your guest starts eating crumbs off your dining room floor, that 1) it’s time to clean your floor, and 2) it is probably snack time.  I cleaned off the table and put all three boys in chairs for snacks.  While they ate I swept up the floor.  Then I went to fill the dishwasher and returned to find their snacks all over the just swept floor.  I got on to them, and swept up the new mess.

The boys went to play while I tried to fold laundry.  When they joined me and started getting into my bedroom stuff I had to send them out of the room.  I soon decided to go check on them and headed over to the other side of the house.  It is funny that the laughter of children takes on an entirely new meaning when it is combined with the sound of running water.  I found all three boys in the bathroom running the bath water and playing.  I sent them out of the bathroom, finding that it was hard to keep my voice patient at this point.

Later they went back to my bedroom when I wasn’t there, spilled my bobby pins and undid my made bed.  My frustration was continuing to rise.

Still making the mistake of not sitting down to play with them, I still kept trying to accomplish  my chores and phone calls while I “trusted” them to stay out of trouble.  The culmination point came when I walked down stairs after answering emails to find that Will and his friend had managed to open a brand new canister of hot chocolate mix, complete with foil seal, and spill it all over the floor.  They both were covered with the powder and their faces showed signs of having enjoyed a few samples as well.  Seth was busy playing with my phone and playing messages (or so I thought).  As I went to get a broom to clean up the mess my phone rang and one of my friends called to ask if I had just called her.  Apparently Seth had managed to call her.  At first I thought he must have managed to dial all 11 digits in order to call her, but John figured it out later.  She was the last person I’d called on my home phone, so he would have just had to push redial.  As I was explaining the situation to her I was also trying to now keep 3 kids out of the pile of hot chocolate.  At this point, they were picking up handfuls to throw in the air.  I eventually got it swept up and pulled out the vacuum.  I debated about throwing the boys in the bathtub, but I could only imagine the troubles that would cause, so I decided to merely vacuum off their dusty clothes.  Will was the bravest and went first, then Seth, and by that time Will’s friend had decided that I wasn’t out to get him with the vacuum and stood still while I cleaned him off to.  Then we washed hands and I vacuumed the living room rug.

It was time for me to leave and the babysitter was late, so I went to call her and when I returned back downstairs I found the boys using the baby powder roller to paint their faces.  They had also been licking it as well.  I took away the roll and then thankfully my sister walked in shortly afterwards to take charge so I could leave.  She told me later that they had managed to find some envelopes of hot chocolate mix and bit holes in them.  :)  But for the most part they were better for her as she actually sat down and played with them.  I think they were getting tired at that point as well.

So now that you know the history of yesterday, you can fully appreciate my horror at awaking to an upstairs filled with coffee aroma.  I guess that and my living room filled with hot chocolate aroma could count as my Christmas spirit since I haven’t gotten up the energy to decorate yet this year.  :)  After this morning I am also now more fully convinced that it was my son that was instigating all the trouble yesterday and not his friend.

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I’m sorry I never updated here on the issues with the boys.  Little Rock never called us to reschedule the boys’ echos.  I tried once to call them and had to leave a message.  We got no reply.  This is frustrating, but because we were concerned in the first place with how we would be able to pay for these appointments, we decided to just wait and re-discuss all this with their regular doctor at their next well child appointments.  Seth turns one in a few weeks, so we can have the doctor listen to him again and see if he still recommends getting his heart checked before we pursue it further.

Will did have his hearing and speech evaluation.  His hearing is fine, which is great.  Though it is disappointing to pay $70 to have someone spend 10 minutes with your kid and then tell you they can hear.  :)  But it was needed.  Will did great at his speech evaluation as well.  He worked diligently with the promise of getting to play with some new toys.  His results were basically that no, he doesn’t talk as much as he should, but he is really smart.  He passed the test, not because he can talk, but because he understood much more than his age level.  He was 85 % on speech, which is considered a mild delay, but he was 109% on understanding, which is ahead.  After averaging the two numbers, his score fell within normal bounds, and he will not qualify for speech therapy.  We had a good talk with the speech therapist, who gave me some instruction on how to encourage more vocalization and Will is slowly showing some improvement.  The best thing is all that was free.  :)

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Will is learning to pray.  Here is what his night-time prayer is:

Mom:  “Dear Jesus”

Will: “De Jus”

“Thank you for Dad”

“Dad”

“Thank you for Mom”

“Mom”

“Thank you for Elise”

“Eese”

“Thank you for Will”

“I”
“Thank you for Seth”

Pause.  “Es”

“And please take care of baby Emma.”

“Ma Ma”

“Amen”

“Dink – dink”

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I know a lot of you were praying for us today assuming we were seeing the cardiologist.  Unfortunately the appointments didn’t happen.  I had been worried about them yesterday because Elise had a stomach bug and was throwing up.  I was afraid the boys would wake up with the same thing today and make it impossible to go to the appointments.  Thankfully they have so far been spared from getting sick.

We woke up, I planned my whole morning in order to finish school, go to Wal-Mart and eat lunch all before leaving town about 11:30 to get to Lowell in plenty of time for their appointments at 1:00.  After I had already bathed both boys to make sure they were presentable (Seth is always sticky and Will is always colored with markers) and was making arrangements to pick up my Mom who had volunteered to go with me, John answered a phone call from the clinic.  It turns out that they fly the doctor up from Little Rock for the clinic day and apparently it was storming in Little Rock and they couldn’t come.  So the whole clinic day had been cancelled.  They will try to reschedule in the next two weeks.  Needless to say, we were frustrated.  We’ve gone back and forth on these appointments and all in all have been waiting for them for about 6 months.  Of course that is more our fault (and an ill-timed ear infection) than the doctor’s.  Oh well, someday hopefully we will get the answers we need.

In other news, Will does have a speech evaluation tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.  He has been learning new words lately, but still does not put them into sentences or speak very clearly.  I am interested to see how his appointment goes because I know he says a whole lot more to us than he does to others, so I’m not sure the speech therapist will be able to get anything out of him.  If he tests at 6 months behind or more, we may be eligible for free speech therapy, so we’ll see how it goes.  He also has a hearing screen scheduled for the end of the month to check to make sure he is not having any hearing issues that may be contributing to his speech delay.  Pray Will will still be healthy for his appointment tomorrow and that he will cooperate well for the speech therapist.  Also pray for God’s working through the appointment so that if he needs therapy he can get it.

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Lately, I’ve been dealing with stress, some anxiety, and more emotions.  Perhaps it is just that added stress from The Baby Habit is putting me in a more fragile state, which then leads to feeling more emotions and anxiety.  Whatever it is, this 4th year since Emma’s death has been in many ways harder than the last two.  I cry easier (and in case you hadn’t noticed since Emma’s death that is one thing that had been a marked change in me — I don’t cry as easily).  But for some reason the tears are closer to the surface these last few months.  I go to support group and actually cry, which is good, but definitely not as comfortable.  I have often found myself fighting anxiety (not nearly as pronounced as the postpartum anxiety I have had in the past, but still there).  I have to really be careful what I watch before going to bed, and often feel that I am trying hard to corral my thoughts to “safe” ones.  Now, I know writing it all out like this will make it seem worse than it is, I don’t deal with all this constantly, it just comes and goes.

The last couple of nights I have been struggling with keeping my thoughts on track and feeling overwhelmed with the anxiety that was threatening to sneak in.  It is usually only at night, after dark, that I deal with the anxiety.  It is when the distractions of the day cease, and I am left only with my thoughts.  Realizing that didn’t help the other night as I begin to wonder if that meant that that weak, anxious person was the real me.  When you take away all that makes up my life, is that all that I am left with?  Anxiety, worry, fear, and sin?  If so, then I really didn’t like myself at all.

Then last night I was working through our new Mothering Matters book study.  The book starts with discovering our identity.  Last night I read the Creation story and was asked to answer several questions concerning how that story related to my identity.  We were not asked to find our identity in the things and relationships that make up or life, but to go beyond that.  It is clear who we are in the first part of the Bible.  We are made in God’s image.  The question was:  “What does being made in God’s image mean for your identity?”  And suddenly it was very clear.  It gives me hope.  If that is the true “me,” than all that other stuff, the weaknesses and sins are not really “me.”  Those are there because of my sin nature, but it is not who I am.  God created me in His image.  He can and will take me beyond my sin and weaknesses, beyond the distractions of life, beyond even the relationships that make up my life, all the way to Him.  To know that I was made in His image encourages me to turn to God in those moments of anxiety, to ignore the lies of Satan that pull me down, and reach up to take God’s hand.  He will pull me out and continue to work in my life to make me more like Him, more like the thing He originally created me to be.

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I know I have heard and probably said many times that kids help to teach you patience.  Right now that is clearly evident in the broken record stage that Will is in.  Since he doesn’t really have that many words that he will say, he will sometimes repeat the same word or sound over and over and over and over . . . . to get his point across.  He hasn’t yet figured out that it doesn’t work very well.

From the first moment I am up until I give him his breakfast he will constantly repeat the word “um?”  Which means “I am hungry, please feed me” for those of you who don’t speak Williamese.  If he wants something he doesn’t have a word for he will repeat “this” or “that” with general pointing hoping we will figure it out.  If he wants juice and we have told him no he can only have water, he will continue to repeat the word “juice” hoping we will change our mind by the sheer annoyance of his persistence.

Here’s an example from today.  I was trying to get him to lie down on the couch with me because he’d woken up from nap before everyone else was ready to get up.  He wiggled around trying to find a comfortable spot and finally ended up next to my legs.  His finger touched my leg and he said “oh?” with just the right inflection for me to realize he meant “owie.”

“Do I have an owie?” I asked.

“oh” he repeated.

“Yes, Will” I said, not understanding what response he was looking for.

“oh”

“Uh, huh”

“oh”

“Yes”

“oh”

“It’s OK Will, it doesn’t hurt”

“oh”

As I could no longer think of any response that would satisfy him, I finally just gave up and ignored the repeated word.  He kept at it for a bit, and then also became quiet.  After a few moments I felt slightly wet lips touch my leg as he planted a big kiss on the offending spot, and that settled the matter.

Later Seth woke from his nap and the two of them enjoyed some boy time while Elise still slept.  Here’s a picture of my two boys playing so nicely together.

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A couple weeks ago, my family all got together at my parent’s place to do some house-cleaning.  It wasn’t this nice new house we were cleaning though.

It was this one:

For those of you who don’t know, my parents built a brand new house after having lived in the old farmhouse for years and years.  It is the house of our childhood and the house we all still dream we live in.  It is hardly liveable now, and walking into it makes me wonder how we ever really lived there.  We only had air conditioning on occasion (and that was provided by a window unit, so usually only covered one room).  We did our school in the kitchen on warm days and in the living room by the wood stove on cold ones.  We slept with window fans blowing right on us all night long, unless Daddy snuck upstairs while we were asleep to turn them off so we didn’t get too cold.  We all have many good memories of this house, no matter how bad she may look now, so in honor of our childhood home, I wanted to share some pictures I got the day we cleaned out some more of the stuff still remaining inside.
Ghosts of pictures that used to hand on the walls.  I think this must have something to do with the wood-stove that left some sort of coating wherever it could.  One of the things we had to accomplish was to move this huge heavy cast iron stove to the shed.  We did accomplish it believe it or not, but it took 4 people and a dolly that was pretty beat up afterward. 

Ceiling tiles still lie stacked on the floor where they were picked up after falling from the ceiling the day they moved out.  There was a huge water leak from the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs bathroom.  It left quite a mess, and everyone was glad to move out before the house fell down around them.
The back (always cold) closet still contains rows and rows of canning jars, bringing to mind the steaming hot days in the kitchen spent canning the garden produce.  This was one of the times we were treated to air conditioning in the kitchen, a sheet hanging over the opening to the living room to preserve the precious cold air.

A pattern lay out on the living room table, a reminder of all the sewing Mom has done in the past.  This one, you may recognize, Elise wears the resulting dress to church often.  It was a flower girl dress for me originally.

This hat basket always sat on our mantle along with a small basket full of polished stones, another basket with Daddy’s keys, coins, and other misc items from his pockets, and several books.

These stairs are the entrance to the all-girl part of the house.  Granted, Ben had a bedroom up there at one time, but eventually the girls so outnumbered him that he got sentenced to the small nursery bedroom downstairs off of my Mom and Dad’s.  Upstairs contained two very large bedrooms.  For most of our growing up, Bekah and I shared one (along with Mom’s sewing corner), and Liza, Hannah, and Mandie shared the other one.  A small and very scary bathroom connect the two bedrooms on one side, and a hallway full of books connect them on the other side, so they form one great big circle around the stairs.
Here is Nathaniel working hard at salvaging shelving from the hallway that used to be full of books.

As kids started to move out, some of my sisters actually got to have a room to themselves, and their decor was usually changed to suit their likes.  This is a fairy from Hannah’s old room and the door to Mandie’s old room.

  These light fixtures have been in the house since my parents moved in I think.  Or at least as long as I can remember.

Will was a great helper.  He and Aunt Lizzie worked hard filling up the Kubota. I don’t know if he worked as hard as he did because he had figured out that once he got the Kubota full they could drive it to the other house, or if he was just having fun.

Tramp wasn’t much help, but he sure had fun speding time with us.

The porch swing we used to sit on to talk with Mom in the cool evenings or with Dad to shuck corn for dinner.

The mysterious “other” back door we were never allowed to use.  It actually went into my parents’ bedroom.

The calf who currently lives in the large yard of the old house.

  Remnants of a garden that was originally planted to hopefully yield blue flowers for my wedding.  I don’t know if I got any out of it, but it was a beautiful garden.  Mom enlarged it and made it into a really nice place to sit and talk with company.

We all have mixed feelings as we get closer to the day that the old house will be torn down.  Though I don’t think any of us can imagine moving back in to live in it, it will seem odd to have an empty spot instead of the cozy farmhouse we called home.  I know it isn’t a beautiful house, but somehow it always seemed beautiful to us because it was always full of the people we loved.  And I guess that is why it was so easy to transition to coming home to a new house, one I’ve never even lived in, but is often full of the people I love.

Congratulations, Mom and Dad, on getting the house of your dreams.  But thank you so much for spending all our growing up years building a home, vs a house.

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I am sitting here surrounded by my children (all but one) and trying to think how to mark this day — what would have been Emma’s 4th birthday.  I’ve realized lately that a lot of the anxiety I was dealing with (and that thankfully is leaving now) might have to do with a new stage of grief that is different than where I’ve been before.  I don’t know if I can explain it or not.  It is very different and full of complicated emotions.

To try to put it simply, I am having to accept that I lost a child, while still trying not to worry about losing any of my other children.  It seems that the more children you have, the more you worry.  I am so thankful for my children’s health and really hope that God does not ask us to walk a path of hardship anything like that we did with Emma.  But that also makes it harder to remember Emma and what we went through without pain.

I ran out of time to finish this post, so it is now July 15th (John and my 9th wedding anniversary by the way!) and I can share how I did remember Emma yesterday.  I went to the Farmer’s Market, where a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and gladiolas caught my eye.  I purchased the bouquet and set it up on the desk at the store along with a small sign saying “in memory of Emma Anne.”  Now, not many people came by to see it, but I still enjoyed having it there.  I wanted to take it to the cemetery later that day, but it was too late to do that by the time we had supper.  Perhaps we can make time today.

Anyway, give your kids that are within reach an extra big hug today.

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