And Then There Was Joy.

Doesn’t this look like the most girly thing you’ve ever seen?  Elise is still loving dance class and improving each time.

She is also enjoying school.  Even her numbers, which she sometimes gets frustrated with, are improving.  Today, she wrote out her numbers to 30 with barely any hesitation.  When she made one mistake, she merely said “oops” and corrected it, which if you know Elise, you know that is a huge accomplishment.  Then, on the way home from dance, I heard her in the backseat counting.  I asked her what she was counting, and she said trees.  She counted to 49 and then asked me what was next.  She kept going, merely pausing at each new ten.  Eventually she reached 100!  Anyway, I’m quite encouraged as the whole counting past twenty thing seemed to click with her today.  Oh, and she also read a very short story today called Fat Cat, Fat Rat.

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OK, here is a cute picture that I just had to share:

By the way, Elise and I started doing preschool again on Monday.  She is really enjoying it.  Her favorite subject is crafts, her most challenging is writing her numbers.  Here is something we did together for craft time.  Elise did the purple horse and the small bird by herself; we did the parrot and the alligator together:

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Elise began dance lessons today. She is in the preschool jazz and tap class at Rythm & Shoes in Tontitown. Here she is in her ballet shoes for jazz. She told me after the class that it was a lot of fun. When I asked which was her favorite part, she said “all of it!” I was watching the class through a one-way glass window and was impressed that she did not lose interest the whole time. She went right into class too, without even a hesitation or asking me to come with her. She listened fairly well to the teacher and tried her best to do everything that was asked. I was quite impressed. Even if she proves not to be gifted at dance, the good it will do for her social skills will be worth it. I’ll try to take my camera and get some pictures of her in class next week.

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I thought you all would enjoy some updated pictures. Here is Will discovering the joys of toys:

Here he is on a recent trip to the Koala park:

One of these is a little blurry, but I wanted to show off how strong he is:

Here he is getting to know GG (Great Grandma Garman):

And in case you are in doubt about the red hair, take a look at this:

Will is 6 weeks old today:

And here is a picture Elise took of me and Will and one of Elise:

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Elise and I sat down alone for supper tonight. I debated over getting a book to read while we ate since it was just her and me, but am glad I decided against it as our conversation was quite enjoyable.

“I thought we were gonna have a daddy,” Elise says as she pokes at her spaghetti.

“What do you mean?” I ask, wondering if she is upset because Daddy is not eating with us tonight.

Elise merely points at her spaghetti. “Oh, you mean spaghetti,” I answer, “that is spaghetti.”

Elise just smiles, enjoying her illogical 4-year old joke. “It sounds kind of like daddy,” says Elise, “but it’s different-asgetti. Sometimes I call it walliall” (or some other ridiculous word she’s just made up).

Elise looks out the window at the neighbor’s yard dotted with white flowers. “Mom, do you see all those white flowers?” she asks.

“Yes,” I answer, “they are called Star of Bethlehems.”

Elise smiles as she realizes what this refers to. “Like in the story where Jesus is being born?”

“Yes, that’s right” [...]

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Here is a cute story about Elise and discipline. The other day we were getting ready for company and I asked her to clean her room. Of course, she is really good about getting me to “help,” which means I end up doing most of the work. So I told her that I would only work as long as she was working. When she stopped and sat down, I stopped. She asked me why I wasn’t cleaning and I told her that she wasn’t working. So then she says, “Well, I am done cleaning. I think I will leave these toys out.” “No, Elise,” I said, “You are having company, you need to clean your room. Besides, Mommy needs to sweep in here.” She insisted she was done. So I told her, “If you don’t pick up your toys I will have to sweep them up and throw them away. And once they go in the trash can, they are not coming back.” “Well,” she says, “I have played with these toys a long time. That will be OK.” “Oh, no!” I thought to myself. But I went to get the broom and started sweeping around her toys. I kept trying to reason to her, but she continued to sit there completely nonchalant. “Elise,” I said, “I will be sad if I have to throw away all these toys.” “I don’t want you to be sad.” she said, “But I am not sad.” “OK,” I thought. “Here is the test of your discipline Mom.” So I began to sweep up the toys. As soon as I viciously began sweeping the toys into a pile she burst into tears. “I will pick them up, I will pick them up.” she cried. I guess she just didn’t think I’d do it. Hopefully this will only be a one time occurence. We’ll see.

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Well, this is going to be long. But I’d like to let you all know how our trip went. Friday, July 14 was Emma’s birthday. I hadn’t really anticipated it being too hard. My week had been going well, and I fooled myself into thinking that Friday would be the same as any other day and would take my effort to make it different. I was wrong. Sometimes grief takes on a life of its own and marks the days for you.

I awoke Friday morning from a dream about Elise, Emma, and me. It left me with the feeling that someone I loved or myself was going to die. I know that I should have no fear of death. But as I read not too long ago, fear is a feeling and can not be rationally explained away. And so that morning I felt it. I bawled as John held me, from fear, and from the feeling of missing Emma whom I can now only hold in dreams. As I started to calm down the Lord began to whisper to me. Three years ago he brought me to this same place. This place of realization that the lives of those I love and even my own life are only temporary. At that time he asked me to place into his hands those same lives, to trust him and accept gracefully his decision on those lives. It didn’t happen instantly, but I did make that decsion. That was three years ago. Elise was only 5 months old and Emma did not yet exist here on earth. When she was born, I was able to act out in faithfullness that promise I made to God. This Friday, God was asking me again: “Will you place your life and the lives of those you love in my hands?” I don’t know if I have ever done this really well with anyone other than Emma. And to tell you the truth his question scared me. “God,” I said. “Are you planning on taking another from me? I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m sorry Lord, but it seems to me that placing others in your hands leads to death.” I knew as soon as I said it that that wasn’t fair. Emma lives in heaven and I would never choose to lose one day of the seven months she lived here with us. At the end of it, I was able to at least admit my willingness to trust him in the same way I did with Emma, but I just don’t know if I am there yet. [...]

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I realized tonight that I forgot to post the pictures I have been meaning to of Elise’s BIG GIRL Party.  This is a party that we gave Elise because we were all so excited that she completed her potty training (at least in the daytime).

Menu:

Ladybug Pizza

Ladybug Cake

 Ladybug Candy

Watermelon, Carrots, & Celery

Strawberry Lemonade

Entertainment:

Everyone had to dress up like ladybugs.  Then we opened presents and played one of Elise’s card games.  We all cracked up listening Tia sing silly songs to Elise because that is the book Elise picked for bedtime.  We had a great time.

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Elise is still desperately hoping for another baby, but she is also remembering Emma more lately as well.  She actually picks out for one of her nap time books the one about heaven.  I was half asleep beside her the other day, but heard her “reading” aloud.  We were at a friend’s house today and she was talking about their baby on the way home.  She asked me, “Is their baby going to go to heaven?”  I tried to explain to her that most people don’t go to heaven until they are very old, but only God really knows when for each person.  We had been watching Finding Nemo, in which the mother fish dies in the first few minutes.  She started questioning me if I was going to die.  I wasn’t sure what to tell her.  I think it is best to be truthful in these instances and don’t make promises I don’t know if I can keep, so I just told her that I didn’t think so, and again told her that most people go to heaven when they are very old.  “Are you very old, Mommy,” she asked.

Since the appointment in Little Rock I have been having more memories of Emma myself.  Very real memories come back to me and I have even began to dream of Emma again.  In one dream she was older and could pull herself up and reach for things, and she was terribly cute.  In another dream we were on vacation somewhere and she was with us.  I was carrying her around with oxygen and mask to keep her from getting sick.  In that dream I eventually realized it was a dream and hugged her close and just told her how much I wanted her back.  It is nice that in both dreams the feeling of her in my arms was very real.  Oh, how I do want her back.  This latest saying good-bye to her just reminds me how much I am saying good-bye to.  It is interesting to wonder if I will always feel that there is someone missing in our family.  Since I have been able to more completely separate any other children in our future from Emma, I now miss her more.

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I know you all enjoyed reading one of my conversations with Elise. Here is another one that I hope you enjoy. This occurred just a few days ago and as you will see, part of it really tugged at my heart. To understand the context of this “discussion” you will need to know that Elise spent part of her afternoon with a 7 month old baby and then also with an 8 month pregnant lady. On our way home in the car she brought up babies again:

Elise: “Maybe someday we could have another baby.”

Mommy: “You would really like a baby, wouldn’t you? I would like that too.”

Elise: “Maybe we could keep it for a long time.”

Mommy: “You mean longer than we had Emma?”

Elise: “Yeah. We could take it to Grandma’s house and show it to Grandma and Pop. And we could take it to Nana’s house and show it to Nana and Pop.” (I wonder if she doesn’t remember Emma ever being at Nana or Grandma’s house?)

Mommy: “Yes, I’m sure they would like that.”

The conversation went on for awhile. Elise decided that the way babies come is that Jesus has to put the baby in Mommy’s tummy. I decided that that had enough truth in it for it to be a good enough explanation for her. Then we started talking about crying:

Elise: “I am a big girl, but sometimes I cry a little bit.”

Mommy: “Sometimes I cry too.”

Elise: “Yeah, you cry when a baby goes to heaven.”

Mommy: “Yes, that does make me sad.”

Elise: “Maybe if we have another baby you will cry when it goes to heaven.” (This prompted some discussion on how we hoped that the baby would not go to heaven for a long time, but that everyone eventually goes to heaven when God decides it is time. For some that is a short time like Emma, for others a long time like Elise’s great-grandpa)

Elise: “Where is heaven?” (That being the first time she has asked that question, I wasn’t sure how to answer.)

Mommy: “Heaven is a long way away, and we can’t see it.”

Elise: “Are there animals in heaven?”

Mommy: “I think so. But you know all the animals in heaven are good animals. None of them are mean.”

Elise: “Are there snakes in heaven?”

Mommy: “Probably, but they don’t bite. You can’t hold snakes here because sometimes they bite, but in heaven they don’t bite.”

Elise found this concept interesting and we discussed this until we got home.

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