Miriam's Life

This last Friday we went to the Fire Station here in town to do a tour with our Mothering Matters group. Our group does this every year and this is the first year that we have actually made it. Will was so excited that morning. I really didn’t think he knew where we were going until he ran upstairs and came back down with his fire truck toy. “Woo-woo,” he said. OK, I guess he is a smart kid. He just fools us all by not talking.

Our half of the group toured the upstairs of the fire station first. We saw the firemen’s living area, kitchen, and screened in porch for barbecue. Unfortunately when they do use it for cooking, they often get 911 calls from people afraid that the fire station is on fire because of the smoke. Our paramedic tour guide explained to us how the 24 hour shifts worked and how they really get to know the men they work with since they spend every 3rd day with them. Many of the things in the fire station come in threes, one for each shift. This even includes the refrigerators, which get locked when it is not their shift. Apparently firemen are protective of their own food. He then showed us the work out room, the bedrooms, and the pole.

We didn’t get to go down the pole, which disappointed Will, but we did get to watch a firefighter come down while we stood below in the red-lighted gear room. If I understood the explanation right, they use red lighting to keep it from breaking down their reflective gear.

Then we headed out and took a look at the ambulance, the rescue truck, the ladder truck, and the firetruck that carries a huge tank of water. The paramedic showed them all sorts of equipment, explained lots of stuff and demonstrated their new air-powered stretcher. Most of it went over the kids heads. I learned why when my parents had someone set their hay on fire three different fire stations sent trucks. He said that it was routine on any out of town fire calls to send three of the tanker trucks so that they’d have enough water. All Will really wanted to do was climb in the truck, which he did get to do.

Seth perked up at this point too. He’d been looking pretty tired and was content to let me carry him around. But once everyone started climbing and touching the trucks, he decided he needed to be included as well. He climbed through the ladder truck just like the other kids and then checked out the huge tires.

The paramedic was finally able to grab everyone’s attention when he showed them how he would get ready for a fire. As he pulled on his protective clothing, all the way up to his air mask and helmet, the kids all watched speechless. He then explained to the kids that if they saw someone dressed like that when they needed help in a fire, not to be scared, but to come to them. After seeing what they look like, I can see why many kids would be scared to death, thinking some weird monster was coming after them out of the smoke and flames. He then demonstrated the alarm that goes off if a firefighter stays still too long to let his team-mates know he needs help. This made an impression on Elise, who asked several questions about it later.

After that, everyone got a free fireman hat and we headed home. It was a fun day. I really should think about what other field trips we could do this year in homeschooling.

The day began at 5:30, a little earlier than I had planned on rising to begin a day of reflection. Will came to my bedside seeming a bit disoriented. Finally he decided that a drink of water was what he really wanted, and I sent him back to bed. It wasn’t until after 7, when I did get up to find him looking still just as miserable, that I thought to check his temperature. 102.9! I had planned on dropping the kids off at 9 at a friend’s house so that I could have some alone time to reflect and pray on this day that marked Emma’s 4th anniversary in heaven. I guess I would have at least one little one with me to keep me company.

After normal morning routines, I dropped Elise and Seth off at nine and headed home hoping for some time alone with God. But of course I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, so I started with that, and then since Will was happily watching a movie I decided to try to start with quieting my mind, since I wasn’t feeling particularly reflective. I sat still for awhile, but try as I might I found it impossible to completely empty my head of thoughts. And they weren’t deep thoughts either, just the normal shallow ones that fill my waking moments. Once I reached the realization that the only way I was going to shut down my mind was to fall asleep, which my body was threatening to do at that point, I gave up. I got up and did a couple of the chores that had been on my mental to do list. At least I could get those out of my head.

After a short burst of housework, I pulled out Emma’s photo album deciding I should have some time alone looking through it before sitting down with the kids later in the day. At that very moment, Will decided he was done watching his video and he came to join me. So we sat together, me remembering, he discovering for the first time. At first he just went through naming each face he recognized. Elise, Mom, Dad, Nana, Pop, even Emma when prompted. But then we reached the page describing Emma’s open heart surgery and his sensitive eyes caught sight of the photos of Emma after surgery during recovery. Tubes, wires, and blood covered her tiny little body and I could see the worry in his eyes. I tried to encourage him by showing the pictures from just a few days later when she looked so much better, but he kept coming back to those pictures. When Dad walked in to see how we were doing, Will had to turn the pages back once again to make sure Dad saw them too. This is going to be hard, I am realizing. I want my boys to know the story of Emma’s short life, but until now I guess I didn’t really see how much pain and hardship I would have to explain that went along with it. I’ve taken it for granted with Elise, who grew up knowing these things. She lived through them with us, albeit somewhat at a distance. But she’s seen the pictures over and over, and has developed for herself a somewhat simplified explanation for the troubling parts of the story. Though even Elise has come up with some harder questions this year as her mind tries to piece together the parts of the story she doesn’t know. She was not here the day Emma died, and up to this point, she has accepted our simple explanation that Emma stopped breathing and went to heaven. I remember when she finally put two and two together and realized this meant Emma “died,” since we hadn’t used that word. But just a few weeks ago Elise asked me how I knew that Emma died. Was she just gone that morning? What did I find when I woke the morning of her death? I hadn’t realized that even that simple thing was still bothering her little mind. So I explained how we don’t need our bodies anymore in heaven because we get new ones, and so that is what I found that morning. Emma was gone, but her body was still there. Later I went further, thinking maybe she was ready for some more of the details, explaining how we called 911 and I tried to breathe for her to save her life, but that it didn’t work because she was already gone.

I had to leave off Will’s and my exploration of the photo album as I needed to go get the kids to drop them off at their next play-date. I had some urgent errands to run as well, so I was gone probably about half an hour. When I returned, Will was sound asleep on the couch. John said he’d wandered in there by himself and fell asleep. I left him there and he ended up sleeping about 3 hours straight. With the house now quiet again, I went to my bedroom and did some journaling and Bible reading, realizing that reflection is not forced. The most reflection I got out of that time was more on simple changes I want to make in my daily life and a renewed desire to spend more time in Bible study and prayer. Perhaps that is all God wanted to say to me on that day. I’ve had more reflection pertaining specifically to Emma today as I have planned out this blog post than I did yesterday, but I started the day wanting to be open to what God had for me, and I am content in that.

I had lunch, went to pick up Elise and Seth, and then had a little nap. Then Elise and I spent some one on one time together as we went grocery shopping. We finished out our Wal-Mart excursion with picking out flowers for the cemetery. Elise chose the brightest bouquet she could find because she said: “It is almost Spring and these flowers look like Spring flowers.” She was very positive that Emma would like them. Again she asked me the question she has asked me many times: “Does Emma come and get them? Does she get to see them?” “No,” I answered, then paused. “Well, maybe God lets her see them, I don’t know.” Truth be told, I guess we put flowers on the grave more for our own comfort than for anything else. Elise then asked why some of the flowers on the graves never get old, and we had a discussion on fake vs real flowers. I told her I preferred putting real flowers on the grave, and she decided that must be so we could change them.

We went home and everyone got dressed for the cold so we could all go to the cemetery. On the way Elise voiced something I don’t hear her say often. “I wish Emma didn’t go to heaven. Because if she were here now, I would get to play with her.” I sympathized and tried to comfort her as I always do, saying how when we go to heaven, we’ll get plenty of time to play, but Elise is worried that she and Emma will be all grown up by then and not really interested in playing. “Well,” I offered, “I think that heaven will be a lot of fun for everyone, no matter how old they are.” We placed the flowers in the vase at the grave, and I praised Elise for making such a great choice. The bright colors shown bright in the brownness of the winter cemetery. We got some pictures and then gathered close for a quick prayer before bundling back in the car. You can tell by the picture we got that Will was pretty miserable as fevers and cold biting winds don’t mix well. We decided to all go out to eat as a family, which was a lot of fun.

After we got back and Seth went to bed, I sat on the couch with Elise and Will and we looked at Emma’s book. I read portions of it, but mostly we just looked at pictures. I tried to remind Elise of little things she did during that time. We pulled out the card she had made for Emma and sent to the hospital so she could read it. I took time to read several of the most important things to them, though I know much of it still goes over their heads. The book ended in tears for me and I think I noticed a few in Elise’s eyes as well. She announced loudly her dislike of listening to me cry and covered her ears, which kind of ruined the moment, but oh well. I don’t know how much Will understood from our day, but I am sort of glad that he got to stay home with me as this is the first year I would expect him to start to piece any of it together.

Today at dance I overheard Elise mentioning to one of her friends about her sister in heaven. To me that is the real sign of the day being a success. It was meant as a reminder, a reminder to me to teach my children of the grace of God as it was shown through our little Emma, a reminder for the children to remember their sister and to speak proudly of her to others, and a reminder as well for me to remember that Emma is not all of who I am, but just one page in this adventure God has called us to.

It snowed today!

It snowed all day. The kids begged and begged, so we finally made a short excursion out into it. It was still coming down pretty heavy. John was cleaning off the car in an attempt to run some errands. Thankfully he was able to get out and do everything we needed.

It was the first time I’d let Seth stay out in the snow and he loved it. Of course he was probably dressed the best for it. Elise was ready to go in after a few minutes. Will, on the other hand (who I might mention had already snuck outside once today) was very upset when I dragged him inside. We all came back in after probably 15 minutes and enjoyed hot chocolate.

Seth

Will

Elise

The secret to why I discourage outside snow excursions.

We had the boy’s cardiology appointments this morning. We were there from 8:45 – 12:00 and the consensus is that they are both healthy and normal.

We started with blood pressure checks on arms and legs, pulse ox on their fingers, height and weight measurements, heart rate, and respiratory rate. Will went first through this procedure and acted quite grown up. He refused to say one word to anyone that talked to him, but cooperated quite nicely. Seth was not so cooperative, but we got through those tests fine.

Then we went to get EKG tests, which consists of many stickers stuck to their chest and tummy and then wires hooked to each one. This time when the man that was doing the test asked who wanted to go first, Will was quick to volunteer Seth. I had to hold Seth’s hands the whole time because all he wanted to do was pull all the stickers off, but he laid pretty still the whole time. Will got up next even though he still seemed nervous, but he lay perfectly still the entire time and was done much quicker.

After this, I had a conversation with the doctor via his assistant. They wanted us to go ahead and get the echocardiograms. After a few messages sent back and forth the agreement was that the doctor really would prefer the echos done since he wouldn’t be able to rule everything out without them. He did agree to do a reduced rate on them though. Unfortunately, the rate that I was given before I agreed to the echos turned out to be too low after the echos were done, but the doctor assured me he would see what he could do about lowering the bill.

Will did great with the echo. They turned on a cartoon for him and he was mesmerized the whole time. Seth, on the other hand, hated the whole thing. By this time we were well past naptime and he was quite tired and irritable. He squirmed and wriggled through most of the test and by the end was downright mad. You would have thought they were torturing him. But they were able to get all the angles they needed and we finally got to actually talk to the doctor in person.

The conversation with the doctor was quite short, as all he had to say was that everything was quite normal. It was interesting though, because the first thing he said when he saw Seth was: “He reminds me of Emma.” I agreed that he does look the most like Emma. He then took a look at Will and said, “Now, he looks like his Dad.” I am appreciative that he obviously kept the family picture I sent him awhile back. The detailed results are that Seth’s heart murmur is completely normal – a functional murmur that doesn’t signify any actual physical abnormality of the heart. His heart just sounds that way. Will actually did have a slight opening in one of the valves that is supposed to close after birth, but he said that also is considered completely normal.

Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray that the doctor will be successful in his negotiations with the hospital in getting our bill lowered, as he admitted that he had the echos done mainly for his satisfaction. And by the way, my attitude is quite improved since my post yesterday, in case you were wondering. :)

I’ve been told, since I was a child, that I am a bit oblivious. Sometimes that can be a good trait to have. Sure, I might not know what is going on, but I also don’t hold many grudges, because I probably just didn’t notice that you did anything to hurt me. But I am learning, that as a mom, this trait is not serving me as well as it used to.

Take for instance this morning. “While I wasn’t looking” (Elise’s exact words when she alerted me to the incident), Will managed to go down into the nursery (where he is not supposed to be now that we moved Dad’s painting supplies down there), brought all Elise’s poster paints and Dad’s paintbrushes upstairs (which must have taken him several trips), and proceeded to start filling a palette with paint in preparation for who knows what. Thank goodness that this time it was poster paint instead of oil paints like last time.

I know we are supposed to be thankful for our kids. I know because I lost a child, I am supposed to be more thankful for each minute detail of my living children’s lives, right? Well, this morning as I cleaned paint from my newly set up cutting table in my sewing room, the main thing I was thankful for was that I didn’t have any fabric out to get paint on.

My morning continued to go downhill as I found that my newly placed cabinet, that I am in the process of filling with fabric and supplies, had two baskets of toys and other misc things already added to the bottom two shelves. I told Elise to move them out of there and gave the kids a lecture about no toys being allowed in my sewing room. And really, no kids are allowed, at least right now, I added. I waded out into the family room, covered in toys, trash, and junk from moving around rooms yesterday.

Feeling frustrated with the state of my house, I took a very fussy Seth down to the kitchen to start some mac & cheese for lunch. As I set the kids down to eat at a crumb-covered table, in crumb-filled chairs, on a crumb-encrusted floor, I wanted to cry. I went to finish cleaning up the paint before I could eat my own lunch and realized that it isn’t that I am not trying. It’s not like my house is a wreck because I haven’t cleaned it in forever (well at least not every part of it). The trashed upstairs was actually spotless yesterday morning (thanks to Dad and the kids working together). The dishes covering the counters in the kitchen had all been either in their cabinets or the dishwasher just last night. The dining room can reach the state it was in today after just one meal. It is just that no matter how many times I clean something, it will just become undone, sometimes in just a few short minutes, and that is what is discouraging to me.

After lunch, I did manage to clean the table, chairs and floor in the dining room. I even swept the kitchen, and returned to the dining room to find Seth sitting on the dining room table playing with the salt and pepper shakers. I took him with me to supervise Elise, who was supposed to be cleaning the upstairs. We arrived, of course, to find her “distracted” and playing with Will instead. After some unsuccessful attempts to get the kids to proactively clean up their messes, I started throwing out some unkind comments and disciplining out of anger. Eventually I realized that this was not the time to deal with the kids problems since I obviously have too many of my own right now, so I sent them all to bed.

I wish I had some thoughtful and encouraging message to end this post with, but all I can tell you is what I am going to do right now. I’m going to wrap up this post, take a break to pray and ask God for strength to get through the rest of this day and for forgiveness for the unkind way I treated my kids, and I’m going to take a nap. Then perhaps, when I wake, I will have a bit more motivation to tackle some of what lies in front of me.

I was thinking the other day how overwhelmed I’ve been lately and I suddenly realized that I may be just a little overworked. Here’s what it would look like if I tried to hire someone to be me.

Needed:Someone of diverse talents and interests to fill full-time position of household management. Needs to be emotionally balanced, patient, self-motivated, and cheerful. Responsibilities include, but are not limited to the following:

Childcare
-will be required to tend to the daily needs of three children, ages 6, 2, and 1.
-will be in charge of discipline for disobedience, and training towards better behavior.
-time spent in prayer for the children is strongly encouraged.

General housework
-Washing, drying, folding, and putting away laundry for all household members.
-Overseeing and helping the children clean up the family room at least once a day.
-Picking up around the house to present a tidy appearance.
-Sweeping and cleaning the dining room, preferably after each meal.
-Cleaning dishes as needed. Dishwasher provided.

Cooking
-Planning meals for each day
-Grocery shopping for the ingredients for these meals
-Preparing and serving three meals a day
-Making sure there are healthy snacks available for the children

Educating
-Leading one half hour of preschool with a 2 year old, concentrating mainly on verbal development.
-Leading 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day of organized schooling for a 1st grader, teaching science, reading, math, literature, geography, history, and art.
-Using moments throughout the day to teach children important values and facts.

Secretarial and Financial Work
-You will be in charge of household finances, making sure the budget is updated and balanced, bills are paid on time, and records are kept.
-Along with that you will also be required to manage finances for our small business.
-You are also being hired as the manager of our retail store, which will require dealing with customer service issues, managing employee time and duties, working several hours a month at the store, and doing research as needed to improve the store.

Creativity
-Developing new products for the retail store
-Overseeing sewers of the products
-Strongly encouraged to develop talents in this area as well.

Self-improvement
-In order to be a well-balanced individual who can handle this high stress position, we strongly encourage daily exercise and Bible study.
-Participation in weekly or monthly groups or Bible studies is optional, but will be highly benificial to your continued growth in these areas.

Hours/misc notes
Hours will be at least 7am – 8pm each day. Breaks can be taken as responsibilities permit. Sleeping here will be required as there are times outside of those hours that you will be needed. Overtime (work outside of that time) is very likely if responsibilities are not completed during that time. No financial compensation is offered at this time.

Anyway, after looking that over, I don’t think I would accept a job like that, except that it is my passion. But even if you are passionate about what you do, too much of it will still wear you out. I am working at re-organizing some responsibilities so that my store employees can take care of much of what I have been doing. But looking at it like this helps me realize that I shouldn’t feel bad about being exhausted by the end of the day. And yes, overtime, normally does occur. I am starting to take steps to reduce my workload right now, to reorganize responsibilities so that they get done in the most efficient use of time, and to relax when I just need an afternoon off from the schedule. Pray for us as we continue to learn how to run a business without harming our family life.

In November, Seth turned one! Shortly after his birthday he decided that walking was something he wanted to do and within a few weeks he worked on it until he now walks all over the place. Every day he seems to get less wobbly and more steady. He is now adding climbing to his repertoire.

We took him in for his one year well-child for a routine check and measurements in early December. He weighed 20 lbs 2 oz and was 28 inches tall. His weight is still in the 10th percentile, so we are happy with his consistency there. His height is no longer on the top of the chart, but closer to 50th percentile, but the doctor said height will often fluctuate as they grow and is not as consistent as the weight curve.

I had scheduled his appointment for nap-time, which might have been a problem. But as it turns out, it meant that he was pretty subdued and was very quiet and still during his exam. As the doctor listened to his heart, I waited for what he might say about his heart murmur. It turns out it is still there and hasn’t changed much. This is not cause for alarm since it still could be a normal heart murmur and not a sign of a problem, but I was hoping it would have started to fade by now.

Now, what I forgot to mention was that right before I made the appointment, we received an unexpected call from the Children’s Hospital. They hadn’t forgotten about us after all. The scheduling nurse had just been working extra hard to make sure we got to see Emma’s cardiologist, which she knew was important to us. She informed me that the boys both have appointments with him in June at the hospital in Little Rock. But she also let me know that they were hoping to see them earlier in January at the Lowell clinic if the cardiologist can make it this time. Those appointments are on the 27th. When I mentioned that we were no longer sure we wanted the appointments because both boys were doing fine and we didn’t want to pay for the echocardiograms, she replied that she had spoken directly to the cardiologist about this. He had said that he saw no need for the echocardiograms unless we felt a need for them. He is prepared to just listen to them. He thinks he can tell everything he needs just from that. After getting an estimate on the actual appointment cost with him, I told her I’d let her know what we decided.

So, after talking things over with our family practitioner, who still strongly encouraged us to get both boys checked, I went home and talked it over with John. We decided that the appointment costs were well worth it to get a second opinion from the cardiologist. We will be keeping our appointments. So now the question is just whether the weather will be OK for the doctor to fly up for the Lowell clinic in January, of if we have to wait until June.

I awoke from a dream-filled sleep this morning to the loud sounds of John’s coffee grinder accompanied by the cries of Will.  I headed up the stairs as Will headed down, obviously scared by the loud sound he had produced by pushing buttons he shouldn’t have been pushing.  We walked upstairs together to turn off the machine and it became obvious that Will had apparently been trying to make coffee.  A whole bag of ground coffee was spread over the floor along with a whole container of creamer.  “Oh no,” I thought, “Is this day merely an extension of yesterday?”

You see, yesterday was one of those days that I wonder how in the world I would survive if God had decided to give me twins.  Will had a friend over yesterday and those two just about drove me crazy.  Will and Seth have been starting to act like a team now and then to get into trouble, but Will found the range of trouble he could get into was enlarged by having someone his age to work with.

The afternoon started out just fine.  But I realized that when your guest starts eating crumbs off your dining room floor, that 1) it’s time to clean your floor, and 2) it is probably snack time.  I cleaned off the table and put all three boys in chairs for snacks.  While they ate I swept up the floor.  Then I went to fill the dishwasher and returned to find their snacks all over the just swept floor.  I got on to them, and swept up the new mess.

The boys went to play while I tried to fold laundry.  When they joined me and started getting into my bedroom stuff I had to send them out of the room.  I soon decided to go check on them and headed over to the other side of the house.  It is funny that the laughter of children takes on an entirely new meaning when it is combined with the sound of running water.  I found all three boys in the bathroom running the bath water and playing.  I sent them out of the bathroom, finding that it was hard to keep my voice patient at this point.

Later they went back to my bedroom when I wasn’t there, spilled my bobby pins and undid my made bed.  My frustration was continuing to rise.

Still making the mistake of not sitting down to play with them, I still kept trying to accomplish  my chores and phone calls while I “trusted” them to stay out of trouble.  The culmination point came when I walked down stairs after answering emails to find that Will and his friend had managed to open a brand new canister of hot chocolate mix, complete with foil seal, and spill it all over the floor.  They both were covered with the powder and their faces showed signs of having enjoyed a few samples as well.  Seth was busy playing with my phone and playing messages (or so I thought).  As I went to get a broom to clean up the mess my phone rang and one of my friends called to ask if I had just called her.  Apparently Seth had managed to call her.  At first I thought he must have managed to dial all 11 digits in order to call her, but John figured it out later.  She was the last person I’d called on my home phone, so he would have just had to push redial.  As I was explaining the situation to her I was also trying to now keep 3 kids out of the pile of hot chocolate.  At this point, they were picking up handfuls to throw in the air.  I eventually got it swept up and pulled out the vacuum.  I debated about throwing the boys in the bathtub, but I could only imagine the troubles that would cause, so I decided to merely vacuum off their dusty clothes.  Will was the bravest and went first, then Seth, and by that time Will’s friend had decided that I wasn’t out to get him with the vacuum and stood still while I cleaned him off to.  Then we washed hands and I vacuumed the living room rug.

It was time for me to leave and the babysitter was late, so I went to call her and when I returned back downstairs I found the boys using the baby powder roller to paint their faces.  They had also been licking it as well.  I took away the roll and then thankfully my sister walked in shortly afterwards to take charge so I could leave.  She told me later that they had managed to find some envelopes of hot chocolate mix and bit holes in them.  :)  But for the most part they were better for her as she actually sat down and played with them.  I think they were getting tired at that point as well.

So now that you know the history of yesterday, you can fully appreciate my horror at awaking to an upstairs filled with coffee aroma.  I guess that and my living room filled with hot chocolate aroma could count as my Christmas spirit since I haven’t gotten up the energy to decorate yet this year.  :)  After this morning I am also now more fully convinced that it was my son that was instigating all the trouble yesterday and not his friend.

I’m sorry I never updated here on the issues with the boys.  Little Rock never called us to reschedule the boys’ echos.  I tried once to call them and had to leave a message.  We got no reply.  This is frustrating, but because we were concerned in the first place with how we would be able to pay for these appointments, we decided to just wait and re-discuss all this with their regular doctor at their next well child appointments.  Seth turns one in a few weeks, so we can have the doctor listen to him again and see if he still recommends getting his heart checked before we pursue it further.

Will did have his hearing and speech evaluation.  His hearing is fine, which is great.  Though it is disappointing to pay $70 to have someone spend 10 minutes with your kid and then tell you they can hear.  :)  But it was needed.  Will did great at his speech evaluation as well.  He worked diligently with the promise of getting to play with some new toys.  His results were basically that no, he doesn’t talk as much as he should, but he is really smart.  He passed the test, not because he can talk, but because he understood much more than his age level.  He was 85 % on speech, which is considered a mild delay, but he was 109% on understanding, which is ahead.  After averaging the two numbers, his score fell within normal bounds, and he will not qualify for speech therapy.  We had a good talk with the speech therapist, who gave me some instruction on how to encourage more vocalization and Will is slowly showing some improvement.  The best thing is all that was free.  :)

Will is learning to pray.  Here is what his night-time prayer is:

Mom:  “Dear Jesus”

Will: “De Jus”

“Thank you for Dad”

“Dad”

“Thank you for Mom”

“Mom”

“Thank you for Elise”

“Eese”

“Thank you for Will”

“I”
“Thank you for Seth”

Pause.  “Es”

“And please take care of baby Emma.”

“Ma Ma”

“Amen”

“Dink – dink”