And Then There Was Joy.

Elise came in from her quick jaunt outside this morning and declared that she wasn’t playing outside because it was too cold! “Let me see,” says Will as he pokes his head out the door. “It is cold out there.” “Really,” I said, “Let’s open some windows.” As I opened windows that haven’t been opened for months except for the occasional few seconds needed to yell out them at the kids, Will asks why it is so cold. “It is starting to get close to fall,” I explained. “Elise!” he runs off yelling. “Elise! It is starting to be fall!”

I’m excited too. John and I had a little laugh over the kids complaints at the cold and explained that it isn’t really cold, it just feels cold after the really hot weather we’ve been having. Elise still insists that it is cold and is now wearing long sleeves and pants. I, on the other hand, have on shorts and a short sleeve shirt and am sitting completely comfortably on the couch enjoying the cool breeze airing out our house. It is so nice to be breathing real fresh air instead of the recycled air conditioning for once.

I love fall. It brings with it so many wonderful memories, and a few sad ones, so it is kind of a time of reflection for me. As soon as I smell a hint of fall in the air, my spirits lift and I feel like I could sing or dance. I needed that today. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling rather low emotionally, and it is nice to have something as simple as the change in the weather alter that mood.

I think today is the day to work on the school schedule. I’ve got to plan out the first few weeks of school and make sure we are ready to start in a week and a half. I’m still not sure how I will fit everything into my days since I still have a lot to do that is not school, but I’m excited. I’ve had a great summer break, but it is time to start again.

I’m not sure what I want to post, but I know that lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Emma Anne. Since this blog started with the story of Emma, then continued with the desire to honestly share the emotions of grief, and now exists to show what it is like to be a mom in all sorts of circumstances, I feel that something needs to be said. Somehow I need to share what it is like to be 5 years out from this experience. Perhaps someone will read it that is also 5 years out from grief and wondering if what they are feeling is normal. Or perhaps someone has a friend who is 5 years out and they are wondering how they are doing and what they should do for them. So here I sit, trying to figure out what I want to say. And if I am completely honest, all those things I listed were mainly to justify this post, but are not the real reason to write it. The real reason is that I want to, that I feel its been too long since I’ve been able to share about Emma.

And so, that’s the first thing I feel right now. I feel that the opportunities to share about the life and death of my second daughter are now few and far between. True, it is partly due to me. I used to make a point of answering everyone who asked how many children I had to include Emma in that count. Now, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I’m not as quick to bring her up unless I’m talking to someone who already knows the story. I do wear her ring all the time and just because I don’t bring her up doesn’t mean that I don’t think of her often. Just a few days ago Will asked me about my rings and why I wore them. He, of course, wanted to borrow them. I gladly shared with him why I wear the one ring (to show that I am married to Daddy and have promised to be married to him my whole life) and the other (to remind me of his sister Emma who lives in heaven). But the ring is more for me than for those who see it. Everyone who sees an engagement/wedding ring, knows what it is for. The other one they would probably just assume is my favorite ring. Maybe someday I’ll buy the matching rings for each of my kids and wear all 4. Then perhaps it will be more obvious that I’m making the point that I’m missing one.

Missing one. That’s another thing I feel. I don’t feel like we are incomplete without Emma here, but I do feel like she is part of that completeness. She just doesn’t fill our family in the same way each of our other children do. It’s funny that today when I was already processing Emma memories, Elise brought her up. She was asking one of those questions kids like to ask: “Mom, when I am 12 how old will Will be? How old will Seth be?” And then, how old will Emma be? So we talked about how she is 2 1/2 years older than Emma, Emma is 2 years older than Will and Will is 1 1/2 years older than Seth. And Elise looked sad and said, “Why did God just have to take her away before I was even able to play with her?” And I gave her the best reason I knew, but now as I think about it with tears in my eyes, I want to ask the same question. I know that Emma is happier in heaven. That her body is complete and whole, that she doesn’t suffer anymore. But I also know that God could have healed her here, on earth and let her live a normal life with us. And he chose not to. And strangely enough, I’m OK with it. Because God has given me peace and shown me enough of His amazing plan in regards to Emma’s life that I trust Him.

Yet, there is a deep sadness in my soul. One that will not go away until that day when I walk into heaven and see my little girl (probably all grown up) with wavy brown hair and beautiful big blue eyes, and I catch her in my arms. And then, then, I think that sadness will be gone. But until that time, there will still be many things that bring it back. Every one of her birthdays, every anniversary of her death, every time I go to a wedding and realize I’ll never go to hers, every time I watch a slide show of someone’s childhood and growing up and realize how much we have missed with her, every time that some little random and not always logical thing touches my heart in such a way that I remember. And I do remember. Sometimes it is hard to remember, especially when the thing I am reprocessing is the day she died. But even then I enjoy the memories, because they are all I have of her.

But they are not all of who she is. I can’t just remember her as who she WAS. Because Emma still IS. I know she is alive, full of health and joy and personality, in heaven. And so I also look forward to when I will really get to know her as she is now, exactly as God created her to be.

There is still so much I could write. Some of the things I am still processing, I’ll be honest, I am not yet prepared to share here. I used to share some of them in my support group, but unfortunately that group has since shut down and I miss it more than I thought I would. So you can pray for those of us that went regularly to that group, that we would find other outlets to process the things that still need to be processed. But the main thing that I want to say, is that there is still joy. It has been 5 years, and there is still pain, grief, things yet to process, and deep, deep sorrow. But, because of the powerful influence of Christ in my life, there is joy. And that is why I have renamed my blog “And then there was Joy.” As a reminder of the fact, that no matter the circumstances, when we walk beside the Father, he brings great, overwhelming, unexplainable joy.

Psalm 30:5: “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Phone Calls and Errands:
-Called landlord, explained that we now have no mailbox thanks to someone who decided to take a joy ride and knock down 6 mailboxes on Friday night.
-Went to post office, explained that we have no mailbox. What should I do? Filled out hold form. There was no mail to pick up because it had already gone out on the truck. Will return tomorrow. (They weren’t surprised by the way about the mailbox, apparently it happens whenever school lets out and right before school starts back up again.)
-Called police department, asked for insurance information for the driver who rear ended my car last Tuesday. I haven’t heard anything about any repairs yet. They had no number for the insurance, but gave me name and policy number and insurance company. Said to call my insurance. While I was on the phone, I also took the report number of the mailbox incident so my landlord could get a copy for the owner’s insurance.
-Called landlord, gave him mailbox incident report number.
-Called my insurance. Didn’t have claim number, talked to some very helpful people who gave (for the second time) my claim number and adjuster name and number. They also were able to look up the contact number for the other driver’s insurance.
-Called the other driver’s insurance. No accident reported. No problem, we’ll file the claim now. We’ll just have to ask you some questions, should take about 15 minutes. What kind of car hit you? What color was it? Did you get the license plate number? Was it the owner driving the car? Did he have any scratches or dings on his car before he hit you? (How should I know?) Do you know his phone number or address? Finally, they got to questions about my car, which I was able to answer quite a bit more easily. Now, we do not at this time accept responsibility for the damage to your car, but we would like to look at it. Can you drive it to Farmington? That seems a bit far. OK, we’ll send someone sometime this week. Are you normally home 9-5 every day? Yes, but not every day. Well, they will probably call first. Here’s your claim number and your adjuster. He’ll call you in about 2 days.

Conversations with the kids:

Will: What we do ‘night?
Me: We have to go to Fayettville.
Will: After we come home, what we do?
Me: Then we’ll eat supper. Nothing special going on tonight.
Will: Oh, we eat with Dad?
Me: No, Dad is not here. Remember he is gone on a trip, he will be gone for several days.
Will: Oh.

Elise (to our employee Melissa who brought a dog to play today): Can I go with you to take the dog home?
Melissa: Well, I don’t know if that would work very well, because then I would have to go to my house and then bring you back with the dog in the car.
Elise: So? That’s OK.
Melissa: But then it is just like you are going for a ride with the dog.
Elise: That’s fine with me.

Will (at naptime): Where’s Dad?
Me: He’s on his trip, remember?
Will: I want to go.
Me: He already left, you can’t go.
Will: But I want to go.
Me: Will you aren’t old enough to go.

Me (during clean up time in Will’s room): Will, I need your help. Where are you?
(I hear the garage door open and close and Will’s voice from the hallway): Right here!
(I come around the corner to discover him holding a screw driver poised to puncture the large beach ball he’s been playing with.)
Me: Will, don’t do that! You will break it and then you won’t be able to use it again. Don’t get into Dad’s tools! Now come and help me in your room. I have a job for you. Come on big boy!
Will: Big HUGE boy! Big huge MEAN boy!

Elise (after just starting Othello with me and discovering it is harder to play without Daddy sitting next to her giving her advice even though when he does she is annoyed by it): I think I want to play another game. This one is too had without someone helping me.
Me: No, let’s finish this game.
Elise: Please, I don’t want to play this game.
Me: You need to finish it. Didn’t you play it with Nana by yourself. And then you won?
Elise: But she wasn’t playing it the right way. It is easy when you don’t play the right way (we discovered after she’d played it twice we’d left out a rule)
Me: Well, we are either going to play this game or no game tonight.
Elise (after playing and losing and now in tears): It’s not fun to lose.
Me: Elise, having fun playing the game is more important than winning.
Elise: But I want to win.
Me: If you can’t learn how to lose, then maybe you shouldn’t be playing.
Elise: But I want to play the game.
Me: Well, next time we play if you can’t lose gracefully, then maybe I will decide not to play this game with you again.
Elise: But I want someone to play with me!
Me: Well, do you like to win?
Elise: (just looks at me)
Me: Don’t you think other people might like to win too? Don’t you think you should be happy for them when they win? If you always won and everyone else always lost, do you think that would be fun for them? And if you always cry every time you lose, no one will want to play with you.
Elise: If we had been playing another game I wouldn’t be crying.

Another lesson in Williamese:
Qualifiers: Some words must have qualifiers in order to have any meaning at all. Examples include:
up, up high
big huge
and way far or way loud or way just about anything.

We did crafts again today after taking a week off because the kids were all running temperatures off and on last week. This morning they all woke up fever-free and fairly happy. I say fairly, because Seth has still been occasionally grumpy enough for me to wonder if he is hurting somewhere, but with no other symptoms it is impossible to tell.

The kids wanted to do monster puppets. The book said to use juice cans, which we did not have, so I cut up paper towel tubes for them instead. I helped them get started with covering their cardboard tubes with paper and adding noses and eyes. After a bit, I just let them go at it with scissors and glue because they were doing so well on their own. You can see their creations. I made Seth’s for him, and after the pictures, he promptly tore it all apart and ate the pieces. In case you are wondering, Will is making a scary face. It was the only way he would cooperate for a photo.

#1.
Elise: “Where is my pencil sharpener? It’s missing and I need it to sharpen my pencils.”
Me: “Well, think through where it might have been put.”
Elise: “It is always put back in the same place – in my craft box.”
Me: “Obviously not.”
Elise: “Yes it is, Mom! It is always put back where it belongs.”

#2. After picking our own peaches in a past the season orchard with an apparently very bored child, who complained most of the time we were there.
Me: “Did you have fun?”
Elise: “Yes.”
Me: “Really? Even after getting lost, having to go to the bathroom and being really thirsty?”
Elise: “Yep.”
Me: “Well, it was kind of hard to tell.”

#3. After Will sees me trying one of the peaches we brought home.
Will: “I want one! I want my own one.”
Me: “Here (cutting him a bite of mine), here’s your own one.”
Will: “No, I want my own big one from there (points to box).”
Me: “Well, try this piece first to see if you like it.”
Will: (Licks the piece) “Me no like this. Me have my own?”
Me: “If you don’t like that one, you won’t like your own.”
Will: “Why?”
Me: “Because they taste the same.”
Will: “Oh.”

#4. Will was trying to copy me by trying to get Seth to show off and say all the names he knows.
Will: Say Memaw Seth.
Seth: Mama
Will: Say Elise Seth.
Seth: Eese.
Will: Say Me Seth.
Seth (not even hesitating): Wull (that’s how he says Will)

#5. Elise finds a hangar that belongs in my closet.
Elise: Wow! Why is this hangar so big?
Me: That’s my hangar.
Elise: But why is it so big? My hangars aren’t this big.
Me: Because it is an adult hangar. Your hangars are kids hangars. I’m bigger than you, so my clothes are bigger than yours.
Elise (still apparently at awe at the sheer size of it): Well, this is like 3 times bigger than my hangars.

“Mom, Mom, do you want to see my game? It’s called ‘me do this and then this.’ You play like this.” Will sticks a balloon in his mouth and blows air until the balloon pops out of his mouth. He gives me a smile like this is the most amazing game in the world. Then he runs off and comes back with two balloons. “Wanna see me do two balloons?” By the time he got to four balloons, I was actually quite impressed. Have you ever tried to blow up 4 balloons at one time?

In between the yells, screams, and arguments that are becoming quite common in our house, there are moments like this. In fact, if I am completely honest, I think these moments outnumber the other less enjoyable ones, it is just that since I feel responsible for their behavior, it is easier to focus on all the times they are at each others’ throats.

But the truth is, my kids really do love each other. They might not say it, but they show it multiple times each day. Like when Will climbs into bed next to Elise after she has been declared sick and says “Now me read you a book Eese.” Or when Elise makes a house for the boys on their new bunk bed with her blanket. And it shows up in the multiple times Elise will sit down and read the boys a book.

I know I worry about all the “bad” habits Elise is teaching the boys. I see her negative actions and words reflected in their behavior already. But there are plenty of good things she teaches them too. Because of her, the boys are developing a love of reading and books that they did not have before. With her encouragement, Will has discovered the joy of cutting and coloring, and making elaborate craft projects. Her interactions have encouraged them to develop very active imaginations (just like hers). It is so fun to watch them all play something as simple as pretending to be a family, to something much more complicated like trying to steal eggs from an angry mother bird (Elise is usually the bird). Even Seth gets into the play-acting now. Even her love of outdoors and wonder at God’s creation is shared eagerly with her brothers. I am sure that they will be begging to do school by the time they reach kindergarten because of her ability to show how learning can be so fun.

It’s been awhile since I’ve stated it, but I love having multiple children. I love watching the relationships develop. I love how attached they are to each other and how protective they can be of each other. Their relationships are so simple, which I think makes them stronger. Sure, they fight and yell and scream at each other when they get frustrated. We are working on that. But because they are so honest with their emotions, they don’t get bogged down with all the complications that adults have in their relationships. To them I think it is clear. I love you. Sometimes I can’t stand you, but I will always love you. And I will always forgive you. I hope that is true of them into adulthood. I hope they are building the foundations to relationships that will support them through life as they venture out on their own.

This day is an example of how I can find laughter in my kids antics even when they are completely misbehaving. The morning started well enough. I woke when I heard the boys begin playing in their room. I kept dozing instead of getting up to work out. When I finally rolled out of bed, I checked Will’s diaper, my usual first task of the day. Hooray! He hadn’t managed to dirty it before I got up, perhaps that means he’d be willing to use the toilet instead of his diaper or underwear today. But no, it is almost lunch time and he has yet to go at all. That probably means he is saving it for his nap-time diaper.

Breakfast was English muffins. We are out of 2% milk again. Somehow we went through an entire gallon in just 3 days. Sometime this morning I decided to not follow the normal schedule today. Perhaps it started as early as 6:30 when I didn’t get out of bed to exercise. Perhaps it was at 8:30 when I noticed there weren’t THAT many clothes to fold, so it wouldn’t be horrible to put it off until tomorrow. Most likely it was when I sat down at my computer and started researching buttons. (Despite how it sounds, this is a necessary part of my day today). I got so into researching and searching for a supplier, I eventually made a conscious choice to not stop at 9:30 to do craft time as usual.

The morning was interrupted by several breakdowns concerning Elise. I have been taking a pretty tough approach with her talking back and arguing and this has resulted in plenty of tears, whines, and complaints. If the bad response to my directions or punishments goes on too long, I start adding more punishments on. So far, she hasn’t seemed to get a clue about how to stop, but I’m hoping if I stay consistent, things will start to improve. I am just tired of disrespect from her and have decided on a no tolerance policy.

To describe how this plays out, let me describe to you what happened the other day on the way home from Fayettville. Elise was complaining because she couldn’t hear the music above the boys (who are often quite rowdy and loud by the time we head home). Eventually her complaints gave way to ranting and raving at the boys themselves. Once her complaints and bossiness became unbearable to my ears, I turned off the music completely. “Mom, I want the music on,” she complained. “Well, you were complaining about the noise, so now it is quieter in here,” I said. “But Mom . . .” You can imagine the rest of the conversation. When she refused to stop complaining and arguing and accept my decision, I said that when we got home she could not play outside. This decision caused her to go into almost hysterical complaints, whines, and excuses. “Please, Mom, please, choose a different punishment.” When I assured her that this is the way it was going to be, she started screaming, and so I told her that now she would also not be able to read at all this evening. This produced even higher hysterics. I was finally able to calm her down some by explaining that if she kept complaining and screaming and basically throwing a fit, I would find something else to take away as well. After a bit of quiet crying in the back, Elise says to me: “You completely ruined my day!” “What?” I reply, “Elise if your day is indeed ruined, which is debatable, you have no one to blame but yourself. It was your own choices which caused you to lose your privileges.” “Well, you aren’t making me happy,” she said. We were home finally, and I started unloading kids and purchases. Elise, on her way out of the car, gives Will a solid punch stating, “It’s all your fault I got in trouble in the first place since you wouldn’t be quiet!” She was subsequently sent to her room with the instruction that she would receive suitable punishment for hitting her brother once I could think of one. She wasn’t aloud out until supper time. Just before supper I sat down with her and tried to explain her actions and my responses. Can you believe that after all that, she claimed to not have any idea what she had done wrong? So one by one, I listed the mistakes she had made and then ended by trying to explain that a punishment isn’t supposed to be something you like and how she should correctly respond to one, even though it makes her very sad. We had a practice run when I announced that her punishment for hitting Will would be going to bed early. She actually accepted it quite well. Perhaps she is learning, but after her actions today, I see that it hasn’t sunken in completely yet, I guess we’ll have to wade through the increasing punishments a bit more before she realizes how to hold her tongue.

So, back to today. Ten o’clock arrived and I did take a break to pop some popcorn for snack time. I sat the kids down at the table and returned later to find the whole bowl of popcorn dumped out on the table. When Will saw me coming he quickly ducked under the table to hide. He had a small pile of sugar on the table in front of him and the sugar spoon from the sugar bowl that he’d been using to transfer the sugar. Seth was yelling in his chair to be let down. Not, as I found, because he was full of popcorn, but instead because he wanted to share in the sweetness Will had discovered. I ended snack-time, cleaned up all the crumbs and sugar off the table and swept the floor. I explained to Will that he had to be done with snack now because he was stealing the sugar. “Seth do it,” he politely lied.

A phone call came in, an interesting one, actually. Half way through, something crashed in the kitchen. That is the moment that the sugar bowl died. I led Seth away from the mess and finished up my phone call. Then I returned to clean up sugar from the chair Seth had been standing on and the tile floor. I picked up the remnants of my sugar bowl and stacked them on the counter. I’m thankful Elise didn’t see it, as she tends to be pretty dramatic about losing precious things like this. Later as I was holding Seth I realized, he still had sugar caked on his cheeks. “You have sugar on your cheeks,” I laughed. Seth, thinking this was a great discovery, begin scraping it off his cheeks and sucking his fingers. He has no regrets, why would you put something as tasty as sugar in a bowl anyway?

We’ve started a new craft time at our house. I know I sometimes tend to go through a day mostly only spending time with the kids when I have to. This means of course that many of our interactions are negative as they happen when I am trying to break up a fight, trying to get them to clean up their messes, or finding out what they’ve been doing so quietly for the last 5 minutes. To help remedy this, I put together a new schedule for the remainder of the summer and each morning for 30 minutes we all sit down and do a craft project together. Even Seth can get involved in many of the things and it gives Will a chance to develop a bit more fine-motor skills. Here are some pictures of one of the crafts we did this week. If you are looking for a fun, simple cheap idea for crafts, this was a good one. I bought the posterboard for just under a dollar each sheet (they might have even had cheaper ones, but I wanted the thick ones). Each kid got a sheet and they were able to do both sides of the sheet, so they got two different art pieces out of it. First, I had them lie down on the sheet to mark the head placement and did a few marks to mark the approximate size of their face. This was Seth’s favorite part of the whole thing, he kept lying down on his sheet wanting me to trace him again. After they got up, I made an oval where their face was and told them to draw their person or animal or design with the oval as the face. When they finished, we cut out the oval and ta da! They could dress up as whatever they created. Will and Seth both had help on their drawings, though on the side you can’t see of Will’s he has created an abstract art piece that actually is quite interesting when you add his face to it. (By the way, Will’s eyes are closed because he seems to think he’ll get a flash whenever I take a picture even though I hardly ever use the flash.)

We had a great time today visiting Terra Studios. I’ve never been before, and I have to say it is a great place to spend an afternoon with your kids. Complete with studios for glass sculpture and pottery, many of the items that are made there are displayed throughout the grounds.

We arrived at noon and enjoyed a picnic lunch in the picnic area. Seth was still tired from staying up for fireworks last night, but Brennan (who had apparently had a good morning nap) was able to get him laughing.

Trash trolls kept guard over the grounds and encouraged you to discard your trash by feeding them. Seth was a little nervous, but the other kids were excited about depositing their trash from lunch into the wide open troll’s mouths.

After wandering through the woods, discovering creatively placed sculptures, the kids all took a run through the labryinth. We were there with some friends, so all the kids made quite a group. Pottery observation started at 1:00, which excited Elise. She said after the day was done that that was her favorite part. The lady making bowls had a great time joking with her audience of kids. She got them all laughing and even shared some clay with each of them. Most of the girls decided against keeping the clay once they felt how slimy it was. But Will had a great time creating different things with his piece and carried it around with him for the rest of the time we were there. After the pottery, we explored some more of the creatively decorated buildings and watched the glass craftsman making the bluebirds of happiness.

Seth is 19 months old, but we were behind on vaccinations and missed his 18 month well child visit, so we took him in today. He weighed 24 lbs 12 oz and was 32 1/2 inches tall. That puts him in the 90th percentile for height and 25th percentile for weight. Pretty much what he’s been running. The doctor checked him over and said he looks perfect. He has met all his milestones, even verbally. I remember I was already concerned about Will verbally at 18 months, but I was counting up Seth’s words yesterday and got over 20 before I stopped counting. According to the nurse’s questions, he is supposed to have at least 8, so I guess he is doing fine.

We had missed both his 12 month and his 15 month vaccinations, so we needed to get quite a few shots today. Because of the combo shots now available, they were able to combine them all in three different actual injections. I had dosed Seth with tylenol before we left and brought his special lovey in case he got upset. The nurse handed him a yellow duckie as his prize and he happily started chewing on it while we positioned him for his shots. First shot, no obvious reaction from him. He merely lay quite still looking very serious. Second shot was the same. Finally on the 3rd shot he winced slightly and whimpered. That was it! I put his pants back on and stood him up and he started smiling and chewing on his “uckie” (his name for the duck). We even lost the duck on the way out to the car, and he didn’t even seem to notice.

Perhaps Elise will have learned a lesson in not over-reacting by observing Seth’s calm behavior. :) I had to break the news to her today that she is still missing one childhood shot (she kept stating to everyone that she doesn’t need another shot until she is 16). What she didn’t realize is she needs a chicken pox booster sometime soon since they were out when I took her in for her last round of shots. She wasn’t really happy, but didn’t start bawling like she would have just last year, so perhaps we are making progress. :)